THE KEY TO RESTORING A RELATIONSHIP

Building Bridges - Part 4
1 Peter 5:5
Relationships are like bridges in that they have to be built intentionally. They carry a lot of weight. Relationships are like bridges in that they’re often weakened by stress. Relationships are like bridges in that they have to be reinforced. Sometimes, like bridges, relationships collapse. They break down.

A relationship can break down from neglect. A relationship can break down from conflict. A relationship can break down from misunderstanding. Many different reasons. The world is literally littered with broken relationships. All around us we see broken relationships. Between husbands and wives, between ex-husbands and ex-wives, between parents and children, between employers and employees, between family members, between neighbours. On a broader level, we have broken relationships between races, between nations, between different social groups. What is the solution to this? Is there a way to repair the breach, to rebuild the bridge, to restore the relationship?

Today I want us to look at that. As we conclude this series, we’re going to look at the key to restoring a relationship.

I want to start with the bad news. The bad news is you are going to have some relational breakdowns in your life. We live in a fallen world. You blow it. You sin. Other people sin. We all make mistakes. We hurt each other intentionally and unintentionally. Relationships do break down. Some of you are feeling the pain of them right now. Even as we begin to talk about this subject, you thought about that person in your mind. There’s a strain between you and that person. Maybe there’s been a total breakdown. Maybe you’re not even on talking terms any more. But the bridge that was once there – that relational bridge – has collapsed. Something hurtful was said or hurtful was done. Maybe there was a misunderstanding. But for one reason or another it has collapsed.

The good news is almost any relationship can be repaired with one simple key. This is a quality we don’t talk about much. We don’t hear about it much in our society. It certainly isn’t covered much on television. It’s rarely ever demonstrated today. It is a key that you didn’t learn in school, university or college. We don’t talk about it much.

Some of you may be thinking, “The key to great relationships… that’s got to be forgiveness.” Yes, forgiveness is important. It’s absolutely essential to rebuilding relationships but that’s not the deepest issue. “It’s got to be honesty. Honesty has to be the key because you have to tell the truth to each other.” That’s true. And you can’t have a strong relationship unless you’re both honest and straightforward and have gut-level communication. But there’s something deeper than honesty. “Maybe it’s sensitivity. Certainly we have to be sensitive to each other’s needs if we’re going to have a good relationship.” Yes, we do. But all of these qualities flow out of a much deeper quality. And as I said, you didn’t learn this one in school. It’s often misunderstood, mis-defined. Today it’s often ridiculed as a weakness.

But the secret to great relationships, the Bible tells us, is humility. That’s the key. Humility. 1 Peter 5:5 “Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another.” You’re not dressed for success until you’re dressed up with humility. You’re not dressed for successful relationships until you’ve learned the quality of humility.

The Bible is very clear about what God thinks about pride and humility. In fact, there are over 150 verses in the Bible that deal with this issue. God, in a nutshell, says this. God detests pride. He absolutely hates it. He despises it. And He loves when we’re humble. He loves it when His children express humility and act in humility.

Proverbs 6:17 tells us that there are seven things that God hates. The number one thing on the list is a proud look. The Bible says, “Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall.” Proverbs 13:10 says, “Pride leads to arguments.” Proverbs 11:2 says, “Pride leads to shame and disgrace.” 1 Samuel 22:28 says, “God brings down the proud.” Matthew 23:12 says “Whoever exalts himself will be humbled.” Over and over again, God says in scriptures, “I hate pride.”

On the other hand, the Bible is full, literally full of promises and blessing if we’re humble. The Bible tells us that God saves the humble, that God supports the humble. The Bible says in Proverbs 25 “God guides the humble and teaches them His ways.” The Bible tells us that God gives wisdom to the humble, that God rescues the humble. Matthew 23:12 says, “God exalts the humble.” Proverbs 15:33 “God honours the humble.”

All through scripture. We hear this over and over. This would be a fascinating study to do on your own. Proverbs 22:4 “Humility and the fear of the Lord bring wealth, honour, and life.” The very three things that most people want in life – wealth, honour and life – the Bible says are brought through humility. James 4:10 says “Humble yourselves before the Lord and He will lift you up.” The Bible goes on and on. God makes it real clear that He loves this quality and He promises to bless our lives when we build humility into our hearts.

There’s one little problem. Humility is not a quality that you can develop by seeking it. The more you pursue humility, the more it’s going to elude you. The more you focus on it, the less likely you’re going to have it. Have you ever tried to make yourself humble? It’s kind of awkward if you’ve ever tried. “I’m going to walk into this room and I’m going to be humble!” It’s kind of like what we talked about a couple of weeks ago – you feel noble! You’re proud of your humility.

Humility is the one quality that disappears the moment you think you’ve got it. So those of you who don’t think you need this message, you really need it! Far more than you realize.

What is humility anyway? Humility is often misunderstood. Humility is not putting yourself down all the time – “I’m no good. I’m rubbish. I’m lucky to be breathing air that other people more worthy could be breathing! I’m worthless. I’m just a worm!” Jesus Christ did not die for worms. He died for people. The cross shows that you are infinitely valuable. This is how much you matter to God. God, with arms outstretched, says I matter to him this much.

The cross shows that you are infinitely valuable but you are also deeply flawed. Humility is keeping those two things in balance. Humility is having a realistic evaluation of yourself. It is not denying your strengths but it’s being honest about your weaknesses. Humility is not denying the gifts that God has given you, saying “I can’t do anything good!” That’s false humility. Putting yourself down all the time is false humility and it can even be a form of pride because you’re begging for compliments by doing that.

Humility, essentially, is loving God and loving other people, thinking about God and thinking about other people more than myself. When I’m thinking about God, when I’m thinking about others instead of myself, I am being humble. In essence, humility is living out the Great Commandment. This is a commandment we’ve talked about many times in this series. There is a horizontal and a vertical dimension of love. “Love God with all your heart and love your neighbour as yourself.” Love God – that’s the vertical. Love your neighbour as yourself – that’s the horizontal. When you get those two right, when you are so focused on loving God and so focused on loving other people that you forget about yourself – bingo! You’re in the humility zone.

Satan does not care whether you become preoccupied with your pride or become preoccupied with your humility, as long as you become preoccupied with yourself. He doesn’t care if you’re hung up on an ego trip or you’re hung up on thinking how humble you are, as long as you are not focusing on God and other people. As long as you keep the focus on you, you’re not being humble. So the moment you become self aware of what you’re doing, you are not being humble. Humility looses itself in love for God and love for other people. Humble people don’t think less of themselves. They just don’t think of themselves at all. Because they’re thinking about others and how to serve them and thinking about God and how to serve Him.

Today, what I want to do is take this quality of humility and I want to apply it in a very personal and practical area of your life and that is this issue of restoring relationships. I’m going to give you six steps. You can’t become humble by saying, “I’m going to be humble.” But you’ve got to do a kind of end run by doing other things and when you do these other things and lose yourself in God and others in helping and serving and loving, it just comes automatically.

As I give you these six steps, I’d like for you to think of someone you need to restore a relationship with. Maybe the strain has been there and you’re not even talking any more. These are the things you can do to rebuild that relationship. It takes two, but you can do your part. As I give you these steps, I want to warn you. Every one of them takes humility in increasing degrees. In fact, they get harder as we go up the steps. The first step I share with you is very easy, the second is a little bit harder, the third is a little bit harder than that. By the time we get to step six you’re going to be crying, “mercy!” Because we’re going to do some serious work on your character today. We’re going to take you in deeper and deeper levels of humility than you’ve ever probably known so that God can bless you in ways that have never probably known.

One of the reasons why so many relationships fall apart is because, frankly, most people are unwilling to do the serious difficult work that humility requires. That’s why the first step is…

1. ASK FOR GOD’S HELP.

In restoring your relationship, you must first ask for God’s help. This is the easiest step because many of you probably ask for God’s help all the time. But it still does require a measure of humility because you must admit that you need help. That is almost un-Scottish. In our culture we’re taught self-reliance, self-containment, self-centeredness, we don’t depend on anybody else, don’t be a weakling and need others. It’s this independent Scottish spirit and men in particular, we have a difficult time. This macho thing of we don’t want to ask for help, we’re certainly not going to stop and ask for directions because that’s not the manly thing to do. We’re supposed to be able to figure it out all on our own. And it does take a measure of humility to come and say, “God, I need Your help.” This is the starting point. “God, I humbly ask for strength to rebuild this relationship.”

James 4:6 says this “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” If God opposes the proud, I don’t want to be on the opposite side than God. Do you? I don’t think so! That’s not a good side to be on. The Bible says that whenever I’m prideful I’m on the opposite side of God. “God opposes the proud but He gives grace to the humble.”

What is grace? Grace is the power to change. Grace is the power to heal a relationship. Grace is the power to get forgiveness and to offer forgiveness. Grace is the power to restore what you thought was dead. The key to unlock the power of God in your life is right there – humility. God gives grace to the humble. As long as you’re full of pride, as long as you’re self-centered, as long as you think you can figure it out on your own, God says, “Be My guest! Go ahead!” But when I humble myself and say, “God, I need Your help.” Then the power is released.

Let me say, if you’re serious about restoring a relationship, you’re going to need all the help you can get. Because this is not easy. It is not easy to restore a relationship. Humility is not easy. If it were easy we’d all be humble. It’s far easier to be defensive. It’s far easier to be prideful. Self centered. Think about me and not think about you. It’s not natural for me to think that way. It is difficult and that’s why I start by asking for God’s help.

2. AFFIRM THEIR VALUE

The person you’re trying to restore the relationship with, affirm their value. You go to the person and you express to them the reasons why you believe the relationship is worth saving. Why you believe they are important, why the relationship matters, why you’re willing to put in the effort, the energy, the time to try to make this thing right. You affirm their value.

Romans 12:10 says, “Have a profound respect for each other.” We don’t follow that verse and that’s why we have conflict. I’d have to say that most of the arguments that Donna and I have had together, many of them occurred that she did not feel that I was giving her the proper respect, either I wasn’t listening to her, or I wasn’t valuing what she said or I wasn’t paying attention to her time schedule like a meal that she had prepared on time and it was getting cold or thinking of myself instead of her and not treating her with respect. When we don’t treat people with respect, it always causes conflict. When you aren’t treated with respect, it causes you to get angry. So the starting point in restoring a relationship after you’ve asked God for help is go and show some respect to the person by simply saying “I value you. You matter to me. You are important. I want to work on this relationship although it will be painful.”

Philippians 2:3 “Do not let selfishness or pride be your guide. Instead be humble and give more honour to others than to yourself.” How do you do that? How do you give more honour to others than you give to yourself? Let me suggest two ways:

One is, listen to them. When you listen to a person, you are showing them honour. You are showing them respect. You are affirming their value by listening. When I put the paper down and look my wife in the face and look in her eyes and I listen to what she has to day, what that is saying is, "You matter to me. You are important. You are valuable.” I am giving a gift of honour when I listen to her. Do you want to honour your children, affirm their value? Get down on their knees. Look them in the eye sometimes and just listen to them. Eye to eye contact. That’s one of the greatest gifts you can give somebody. We all want to be listened to. You can affirm their value by listening to them.

Second, by validating their feelings. You show affirmation of their value by validating their feelings. I’m not saying you agree with their feelings. I’m not saying their feelings are legitimate or that they don’t need to be changed. But that’s not the time or place to do that. Feelings are simply feelings. They’re neither good nor bad. There may be an idea behind that which is causing the feeling that is bad and that needs to be changed and needs to be dealt with. But when people come to you to express their feelings, they don’t need you to immediately “fix it”. They don’t need you to immediately try to change it. They just want it validated. Because when you feel it, you feel it. Somebody else may not, but you do. It’s not right or wrong, it’s just you.

Those of us who are fixers, we get in a hurry. When somebody comes to you saying, “I’m feeling depressed,” you say, “You shouldn’t feel depressed.” That’s real helpful!!! Or, “This makes me afraid,” – “You shouldn’t be afraid!” That’s helpful too. “I’m worried,” – “Don’t be worried.” Or “I’m angry,” – “You shouldn’t be angry!” or “”Why in the world are you angry at something like that?” You’re invalidating their feelings when you do that. You’re not affirming their value, you’re decreasing their value, depreciating their value. So what you need to do is say “I understand how you’re feeling,” or “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I hurt with you.” But you don’t invalidate it right up front. You affirm their feelings and you listen to them. Those are two ways to show humility by affirming their value.

Once you’ve taken those two steps… and those are pretty much the easy ones… we now start turning up the heat a little bit.

3. ACKNOWLEDGE MY RESPONSIBILITY AND MY SIN.

This takes a little bit more courage. Galatians 6:5 says, “Each person must be responsible for himself.” You cannot build a strong, healthy relationship without accepting responsibility for your part of it. A relationship takes two people. It’s never just one person’s problem. If you have a relationship, it’s our problem. It’s not your problem, it’s our problem. As long as you are fixing the blame, you cannot fix the relationship. As long as you are concerned about blaming and assigning guilt, your relationship is going to go nowhere. But when you get serious about accepting your responsibility for making the relationship work, your responsibility for part of the breakdown because with every action there is always a response, there is always a reaction in some way so you may have reacted wrongly in the situation that caused the breakdown. You accept responsibility. If you want God’s blessing on your relationship, you have to stop the blame game. Stop blaming other people and acknowledge your responsibility.

But more than that, you have to acknowledge your sin. Romans 3:23 “For [most people? All of those other people?] For all [circle “all”] have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Question: Does that mean everybody on your row right now? This place is a haven of sin! We are in a den of sinners right now. When somebody asks you on Monday morning, “What did you do over the weekend?” tell them, “I went and hung out with a bunch of sinners!” Why? Because this is a sinner hangout and I am chief! The truth is, the church is not a hotel for people who are perfect, it’s a hospital for sinners. Everybody has blown it. But the rest of the world hasn’t realized it or own up to it because of their own pride. At least you’re making an attempt to say, “I want to grow. I want to develop. I want to be more than I am. I want to deal with some of the weaknesses and faults in my life.” Congratulations! Welcome to the place for growing. You are hanging out with very vile people right now. You should watch your reputation.

We don’t like to admit our own pride. C. S. Lewis says this, “There is one vice of which no one in the world is free, which everyone in the world loathes when he sees it in someone else, and of which hardly anybody except Christians ever imagine that they’re guilty of it. There is no fault which makes a man more unpopular and there is no fault that we are more unconscious of in ourselves. The more we have it in ourselves, the more we dislike it in others. The vice I’m talking of is pride. Pride leads to every other vice. It is the complete anti-God state of mind. ‘I am god. I’m in charge. I know what’s best for me.’ I’m not thinking of God. I’m not thinking of other people. It is the anti-God state of mind. Each person’s pride is in competition with everyone else’s pride. It is because I wanted to be the big noise at the party, I’m so annoyed at someone else who was the big noise.”

Isn’t that true?

We talk and laugh and make jokes about our pridefulness but the truth is when I think about the things my pride has done, I am ashamed of the way I’ve hurt other people simply out of my own stubborn pride. Those times when I refused to say I was sorry simply out of pride. Those times when I stubbornly held on to an opinion I knew was wrong, simply out of pride. Those times when I competed for the significance with others. Those times when I belittled or criticized other people thinking it would build me up. Those times when I’ve taken the credit when it should have been shared or given somewhere else. I’m not proud of those things. I’m ashamed of them.

You will never really start growing in your life until you come to face the fact that you are essentially a selfish person that you do not naturally think of other people first. You naturally think of yourself first. And the whole goal of life is learning to be unselfish. From the moment you’re born you’re going, “I!!!! Feed me! change me! Clothe me! Pamper me! Burp me!” And everything else. But as you mature, supposedly, you’re going to get a little less self centered and maturity and humility is thinking of God and others first. That’s the character issue.

It takes humility to take this step. To acknowledge my sinfulness, my responsibility in the relationship, my part of the breakdown and to apologize. But this is the step that breaks the gridlock, that gets the relationship moving again. This is the one that blows up the logjam and lets the river start flowing again. If you can’t get past this one, saying those three important words “I was wrong”, “I am sorry”, “Please forgive me”, if your throat chokes on those words, you will never have mature relationships. You will be stuck in a selfish walled in world where you are the Supreme Being and you’re miserable.

There was a movie that came out years ago, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” What a bunch of baloney! Love says you’re sorry. Love says, “I was wrong.” Love says, “Please forgive me!” The unloving, egotist says, “I don't have to say I’m sorry.” If you can get past this one you’re well on your way to healthy relationships, well on your way to growing to maturity and God’s blessings in your life.

Step four, and God turns the heat up a little bit more.

4. ALLOW THEM (the people you’re trying to build a relationship with) TO BE HUMAN.

We don’t want to let other people be human. We want to hold them to a standard that we, even ourselves can’t meet. We expect more of them that we would even of ourselves. Do you know anybody in this world who is faultless? Do you know anybody in this world who is without sin? Do you know anybody who is perfect? Do you know anybody who has no weaknesses? No, you don’t.

Then why are we so tough on our kids when they show the slightest weakness or fault? Why are you so tough on your husband/wife/that person you care about? Why do you expect perfection of them when nobody in the world is perfect including you? Why don’t you cut them some slack? Why don’t you back off? Why don’t you be forgiving? Why don’t you allow them to be human instead of expecting superhuman perfection?

Humility is recognizing that no one is perfect. Colossians 3:13 “You must make allowances for each other’s faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you so you must forgive others.” Notice the motivation: You have been forgiven, you have been shown grace, you better be gracious to other people. Cut them some slack. Allow them to be human.

I don’t know any of these six steps that would do more to reduce the friction in your relationships than to stop expecting perfection. Stop demanding that they be perfect. They aren’t going to be perfect. If you will do this, the friction will be reduced, your joy will be increased. You’ll just get along better with people. You’ll stop being disappointed all the time. Because you realize, as the Bible says, “He knows our frame; it is dust.” We’re all imperfect.

When pride rears its ugly head in my life and somebody challenges my way of doing things, my reputation, my thought, my intelligence or whatever, then I get all prickly. When pride is not rearing its ugly head, it doesn’t bother me so much. If you are easily offended by other people, if you get your feelings hurt frequently, you have a pride problem. You need to admit it. You have a pride problem. That’s why you get your feelings hurt so quickly, so easily. You need to let God deal with it because it’s keeping you from being happy.

Ephesians 4:2 “Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other making allowances for each other’s faults because of your love.” 1 Corinthians 13:7 (New Jerusalem Bible) “Love is always ready to make allowances.” That’s the loving thing. It’s unloving to hold people to a standard that even you can’t keep.

We come to step five and God turns up the heat a little bit more and requires a little bit more humility to do this.

5. ADJUST TO THEIR NEEDS.

If you want to rebuild a relationship, you adjust to their needs. This takes humility to a level deeper than most of us go to. It’s one thing to understand someone else’s needs, it’s another thing to recognize their differences. It’s another thing to affirm their needs and say they’re legitimate. But it takes massive amount of humility to adjust to their needs. Most of the time I don’t want to adjust to your needs, I want you to adjust to my needs. We want everybody to adjust to use. The Bible says in Philippians 2:4 “Look out for one another’s interest not just your own.” The truth is, we always want everybody to adjust to us. But the Bible says do the opposite. In fact the Bible is very blunt. Romans 15:2 “We should please others. If we do what helps them we will build them up in the Lord.” This truth is all through the New Testament. The Bible tells us in Galatians 5:13 “Don’t use your freedom just to do whatever you want to do, what pleases you, but rather serve one another in love.” That is adjusting to other people’s needs.

These are the steps if you want to restore your relationship. These are the steps if you want to rebuild a relationship or you just want to help the relationship. Ask for God’s help. Affirm their value. Acknowledge my responsibility. Allow them to be human. Adjust to their needs.

Then we come to the sixth step and this is the clincher. This is the one that stops us dead cold. This is the ultimate example of love, the ultimate example of humility. It’s being like Jesus. I’m going to tell you before I give it to you that you can’t do this one on your own. You need God’s power. And you will not do it if you look at life from a humanistic perspective. But if you look at it from God’s perspective, and the promises to be blessed if you do this, then you will be able to do it.

6 ABANDON MY OWN RIGHTS.

This is so counter culture, it’s almost laughable to even talk about it in Britain. In Britain, we stand up for our rights. We don’t care much for our responsibilities, but we have rights! And from the moment you were born you were taught, if you don’t stand up for your rights nobody else will. We are very independent lot. And we’re very rights conscious. “I have my rights! I’m going to do what’s best for me! I‘ve got to think of me because nobody else will think of me and therefore I have to stand up for my rights!”

The Bible is very clear than on a society level, we are to fight for the rights of other people. We are to not tolerate injustice, stand up, speak out for equal rights for all people, to give justice to all people. As a society we are to be concerned about the rights of other people. But on a personal level, God has a whole different ethic. God says on a personal level, “Yield your rights to Me. Give them up to Me.”

I want to explain to you right up front what happens when you become a follower of Christ. We don’t do any bait and switch around here. We tell you right up front what being a Christian is. When you become a follower of Christ, you participate in an exchange. Jesus Christ gave His life for you on the cross so you could have your sins in the past forgiven, a purpose for living and a home in heaven. A pretty good deal. Now when you become a follower of Christ, you give your life to Him in return. You commit your life completely to Christ. You say, “God, I’m going Your way, not my way. That means I give You the good, the bad, the ugly in my life, the past, the present and the future. I give You my hopes, my desires, my dreams and my ambitions. I give You my failures, my flaws, my sins, my defects, my weaknesses. I give You all my goals. I give You all of my plans.” When you become a Christian, you give up your rights to your possessions. They become God’s possessions. They’re His anyway. You only get to use them for 60, 70 years. You don’t really own anything. You just get to use them while you’re here on earth then it goes to somebody else. But it’s acknowledging what God already knows anyway. It’s His. God owns it all. So they’re not my possessions. They’re God’s. They’re not my plans. I want God’s plans for my life. I don’t want just to go after my pleasure. I want God’s pleasure for my life. I’m not worried about my reputation any more. It’s God’s reputation I care about. I’m a servant of God. What do servants care about their reputation? They only care about their master’s reputation.

This has profound implications in your life. Many people never get to this level of maturity realizing that everything belongs to God. You just get to use it for a while. That means it’s not my car that I drive and in the parking lot. It’s now God’s car. So if somebody bumps into it and dents the fender God’s got a problem. Because it’s God’s car. That’s a reason for action but it’s not a reason for anger because it’s not my car. If I spill something on my suit, I don’t get angry because it’s not my suit. It’s God’s suit. When somebody challenges my reputation, if I’m thinking right it’s not my reputation, it’s God’s reputation I need to worry about. So what I need to do is give ownership of everything to God. I yield my rights to Him.

Anytime you get angry, that is warning light to you that you’re taking back your rights. You’ve taken them back. You say, “But I deserve this!” instead of giving it to God. In our hearts some of our rights are legitimate and some of them, frankly, are ludicrous. Imaginary. Like, “I have a right to a problem-free life!” So if things don’t turn out the way I want them and I have difficulties or my kids get sick, I get mad at God.

Some of you have got mad at God because you think; “I have a right for my loved ones to live as long as I ‘m alive.” And they didn’t. And somebody you loved died and you got mad at god.

We often think we have a right to presume on the will of God. What we do is want something really bad and we pray for it. And because we pray for it, we assume that it is God’s will. Then when it doesn’t come or it is delayed, we get mad at God. We’re presuming on the will of God. We do this all the time.

Relationally, rights will get you into all kinds of trouble. I actually had a guy tell me one time, “I have a right to a beautiful wife.” That was his excuse for leaving his older wife to marry some younger bimbo. I know of a woman who said, “I have a right to a husband who can finance the things I need in my life.” So she divorced a guy because he wasn’t making enough money. “I have a right to be pretty but I’m not pretty, so I’m mad at God… I have a right to be athletic but I’m not athletic so I’m mad at God... I have a right to be smart and get straight A’s in school but I don't get them so I’m mad at God.” What are you doing? You’re making up rights. And that always gets you into trouble.

Here’s your project for this week. Make a list of all the rights that are causing the anger in your life. Then give them back to God. I have a right to be appreciated but I’m not appreciated so I’m angry. I have a right to be heard and understood but I’m not heard and understood so I’m angry. I have a right to be right and I’m going to show and prove that I’m right even if it destroys the relationship. No, you don’t have that right. The relationship is more important than your right to be right. It is. “I have a right to get revenge! He hurt me so I’m going to hurt him back.” No, you don’t have that right. You’re making up that right. You don’t have a right to get even. Not if you’re a follower of Christ. You give your rights back to God. The reason you’re mad at God and you’re mad at other people is you’re holding back on things that really belong to god.

Here’s the amazing thing. When you give your rights to God, He becomes the defender and the fulfiller of those rights. Who can do a better job of defending you, you or God? Who can do a better job of fulfilling your needs, you or God?

This issue is so fundamental, it is the cause of most marital breakdown. 1 Corinthians 7:4 “Marriage is not a place to stand up for your rights. Marriage is a decision to serve the other.” I love that in the Message paraphrase. If you got married to have all your needs met, you got married for the wrong reason. You need to confess it and ask for forgiveness. Marriage is a decision to serve somebody, to put their needs out there ahead of your own. Marriage is not a 50-50 proposition. That’s negotiation. Marriage is not 100%-100%. It’s 150%-150% —who can outdo the other in honouring, in serving. That’s the way God means for it to be.

Of course, the ultimate example of this is our Lord Jesus Christ. The supreme model of yielding rights is Jesus. “Your attitude should be the same as Christ Jesus had. Though He was God, He did not demand and cling to His rights as God. [I have my rights!] Instead of this of His own free will, He gave up all He had and took the nature of a servant.” Billions of people will celebrate Easter Sunday, that God came to earth. Do you think that was humbling for God to come down and be in human form? Take on human weakness? When Jesus Christ rose into town on Palm Sunday, He didn’t come into Jerusalem on a white stallion or in a great regal royal chariot like a Caesar or the Emperor would come in. He came in riding on a lowly donkey, a beast of burden, the ultimate example of humility. Jesus Christ is God. He created everything. He has a right to be worshipped. He has a right to be praised. He has a right to be adored, a right to be loved, a right to be honoured. Yet He gave up His rights and allowed Himself to be humiliated, to be mocked, to be spit on, to be beaten forty times with a whip, a crown of thorns put down on His head, to have His arms stretched out an a cross and nailed and have His feet nailed and to hang there in shame, a suffering brutal death. He gave up His right when He allowed the crowd to choose Barabbas, a common criminal over Himself. Why would anybody do that? Love. He loved you that much. So He gave up His position in heaven to come to earth, to die for you, to say, “This is how much you matter. This is how much I care for you. This is how much I have a plan for your life. I’m willing to give it all up and humble Myself and take even the death on a cross.” – a cruel death, which none of you would do, none of us. But He did it out of love. He is our model. He is our example.

These are the six levels of humility. How do you rate yourself? How deep does your humility go? Are you stuck on Level One or Two or Three? What step are you stalled at? Question: What’s your next step in growing to maturity?

Let me be honest with you, to take these steps to restore relationship you’re going to need two things. You’re going to need endurance and you’re going to need encouragement. You didn’t get into your relational mess overnight. You’re not going to get out of it overnight. It isn’t solved – bam! – just like that. There’s going to be some tough work ahead, some honesty, some tears, some pain, some restoration, some confession, some forgiveness, some working through issues, some learning and growing and maturing. It’s tough to build strong, healthy relationships. That’s why there are so few really good relationships in the world. So you’re going to need encouragement. You’re going to need endurance to build the good relationships in your life. Where in the world do you get that?

“May God, who gives endurance and encouragement, allow you to live in harmony with each other by following the example of Jesus Christ who gave up His rights.” The starting point is to get Jesus Christ in your life, build a relationship with Him. The truth is, some of you have been blaming God for your pain, “I expected this but this is what happened,” and you’re mad at God. And before you can resolve your conflict with other people, you’ve got to resolve your conflict with God.

The Bible says that if you don’t have Christ in your life and you’re not living for Him, you’re at war with God. God resists the proud. He opposes the proud. You’re in opposition to God if you’re saying, “I’m going to live my life without God in my life.” You need to make peace with god today so you can get the peace of God in your heart so you can have the peace of Christ in your mind so you can have peace with other people all around you. Remember the angels came at Christmas and said, ”Peace on earth good will toward men.” It starts with the vertical, then the horizontal comes into focus. You need to invite Christ into your life, the Prince of peace to replace the anger in your heart with His peace so you can work on the rebuilding process. That’s the steps.

Let me give you a guaranteed formula for marital bliss. Triple your money back guarantee!! Let both parties in the relationship put Jesus Christ first in their life every single day, every moment of the day. If Jesus is in me and Jesus is in you, Jesus isn’t going to fight with Jesus.

Prayer:

Will you say yes to Jesus Christ today? Will you take these steps of humility and maturity and ask God to take you deeper in His love than you’ve ever gone before? Pray this prayer in your mind and God will hear you. “Father, I have to admit that I’m often a prideful person. Today I acknowledge that my pride has often created conflict and hurt feelings and breaks in my relationships. So today, I humbly ask for Your help. Jesus Christ, I want to take these steps of humility but I can’t do it on my own.

“What Will it Take for God to Change a City?”

Series: Having a Heart for Nineveh
Jonah 3:4-10
INTRO
It was 1847, Jeremiah Lanphier, a simple man of faith and prayer
gathered a few businessmen for a noontime prayer meeting at the Old Dutch Church on Fulton Street-New York up until this point, he had attempted ministry with little success
-he sought to organize Sunday Schools around the city—but it went nowhere
-so he focused upon businessmen-and he began to invite them to meet regularly for prayer
-in a city of over a million people, six came
-but within weeks, it grew into a vast number of people—such that nearby churches overflowed with people praying
-within 5 months, a single prayer meeting turned into a nationwide prayer wave
-and two million people came to Christ
How did this happen?
-it appears to have had little to do with men or methods
-but much to do with an extraordinary moving of God—producing extraordinary results
A similar thing happened in the ancient city of Nineveh—some 2,600 years
ago
-Jonah 3 is the account of God moving in an unexpected place at an unexpected time with unexpected grace
-using a deeply flawed and reluctant prophet
-who did his best to avoid Nineveh—because he was convinced bloodthirsty people should be paid back for wrong doing
-sent to hell—rather than offered the opportunity of entering heaven
-but God was determined to speak His message through Jonah
-and in chap 3—Jonah made his way to Nineveh-(read vss 1-3)
-geography suggests it was a trek some 500 miles across a forbidden desert
-to a city that was lit “a great city to God”
1. An idiom to describe size—for Nineveh was an immense city by ancient standards
-nearly 7 miles in circumference according to 8th century excavations
2. a phrase to describe importance-for Nineveh was a city that was the diplomatic, trade, military center
3. a phrase to say that it was city that captured the heart of God
-and through His prophet—God spoke (read verse 4)
-Jonah warned of imminent disaster
-in 40 days—Nineveh will be “turned over”—as earth is turned over by a shovel—the same word was used in connection with Sodom and
Gomorrah -cities that were so annihilated for their sin archeologists are at a loss to find them
Jonah’s language was a warning to Nineveh that it was destined to be empty, void, and waste—all of its power and glory vanished in a moment
-future armies will pass by without knowing you were ever there
-for God is a holy God—and the stench of your sin has reached His nostrils
-what is amazing was the response
-Jonah became the accidental evangelist (read vss 5-9)
-the verses reveal a tremendous breaking
-a city turned upside down—inside out
-an overwhelming conviction of sin took hold
-before Jonah could go any further—preach any more than the first day
-it’s as if in this opening message the whole earth heard
-from the least to the greatest, from street people to city commissioners-rich/poor-famous/obscure
-put on sackcloth, daubing themselves with ashes, ripping their clothes, pulling out their hair—expressing repentance at the deepest level
-what’s really amazing is that even the horses and cattle were called to fast and get right with God
-we’re so bad our animals are even bad (like my dog Skip—who needs his own repentance)
-everyone was called to cease lit the “violence in their hands”
-somewhere in Jonah’s message—people sensed the wrath of God was near
-and humbled themselves in hopes God would relent
-and in the end, grace replaced wrath—God’s judgment was pulled
back, averted—at least for now (read vs 10)
What explains their actions?
-what would compel such ruthless people, such merciless and arrogant
leaders, to fall to their knees?
-Jonah had barely gotten a third of the way into the city—and hell was literally breaking apart at his feet—grace, going ahead of Jonah, was dismantling the gates of evil
-what explains this moving of God?
1. WAS IT THE MESSENGER?
-Jonah’s powerful preaching skills, commanding personality?
-all we know about Jonah is that he was a whiner—half hearted— dullness of spirit
-their response confirmed his worst fears
2. WAS IT THE MESSAGE?
-hard to figure—considering it was so brief (5 Hebrew words), so in your face, so vague, so lacking of rhetorical creativity
-there was no compelling introduction, so humorous illustrations, no 3 points outline
-not even a conclusion
-like the sticker—Turn or Burn
-only there was no turn—just burn baby burn
-whose going to respond to these words?
-Jonah’s message qualified him to be hung by his toes
3. WAS IT THEIR SUPERSTITIONS?
-maybe—pagan nations worked hard to have all the gods on their sides
-maybe Jonah tapped into their superstitious codes
4. WAS IT COINCIDING TRAGEDIES?
-maybe—Nineveh may have just faced a plague, famine, a horrific earthquake, huge setbacks on the battlefield
-getting right with God is often prefaced by some disaster
5. WAS IT GOD?
-reading and re-reading the story—it is hard to come to any other conclusion
-for there is nothing to point us in any other direction
-in fact—everything in this story leads us to conclude—IT COULD
ONLY BE GOD!!
-an extraordinary sense of divine presence was at work—the Spirit of
God breathed through the city--and things were not the same again
-God’s mercy just exploded—for nothing of Nineveh deserved this
A. Nineveh was an UNGODLY place
-if there was ever a den of iniquity, a place where sin flourished—where God was defied--it was Nineveh
-their wickedness was so pervasive-had so touched the world community--that Nahum ends with the question—
“On whom has not your evil passed continually?”
B. Nineveh was a TERRIFYING place
-within these walls lived the most feared, despised people of earth-whose history was a layer upon layer of brutal deeds
-people you wouldn’t want to have as your neighbors
-the Assyrians were the “dread” of Western Asia
-torture and slaughter awaited any who dared to challenge them
-if there ever was a place you would expect God to avoid—it was this place
AND YET—GOD’S GRACE BROKE OUT!!
-as it does in impossible places
-Jonah is the powerful reminder that there are no limits to divine love
-that God in all times and all places desires that creation come back to Him
-as Scripture declares-“But God is patient, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance”-2 Pet 3:9
-as Paul puts it-“God wants all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth (I Tim 2:4)
-God was simply commissioning Jonah to be part of something eternity had been long at work preparing
-and the thing is—Nineveh is not unique-there have been other moments
-Pentecost-the Spirit was unleashed—and thousands responded to the message of a simple Peter
-Paul caught a glimpse in Corinth—where he was ready to pack it in, dust off his feet—which was another way of saying—to hell with you— and God replied—stay here, for I have many people in this city-Acts18:10
-there are moments God has moved in extraordinary ways—in ways that can only suggest it was a God thing
-Jonathan Edwards was a pastor with no real variety in his voice—he was rather monotone
-scarcely gestured—even move
-made no attempt to gratify the taste, fascinate the imagination with elegance of style or beauty of pictures
-yet became a spark for the divine voltage that stirred an awakening in New England in the 1700’s
-and 50,000 were awakened to Christ
-in 1789, James McGready, a man so ugly he attracted attention, preached on sin—and it so alienated people in Carolina they sent a letter written in their blood—leave or else!
-and he went to Kentucky—with the same passion for lost people—in a county where lawlessness ruled the day
-and he called people to sign and act upon a covenant to pray for an outpouring of God’s Spirit
-and what has been described as “a mighty effusion of God’s Spirit came upon the people—and their screams for mercy pierced the heavens”
-and it set in motion a second awakening and thousands were reached
for God—all the way to the east coast of America
-in an exceedingly gloom and repellent section of London, 80 people gathered to hear their pastor’s first sermon
-he was 19—lacking confidence
-but within 7 years, God broke out—and thousands came to Christ at Metropolitan Tabernacle
-and when its pastor, Charles Spurgeon, was asked to explain it—all he could say was—there people prayed
-what lots of people do not realize is that in 1905 in Portland, there was
a similar moving of God
-hundreds of businessmen closed their doors from 11-2 each day for prayer
-it was a movement that spun off the Welsh Revival, in which the Spirit
moved through Ireland like a tidal wave and brought 100,000 to Christ
-the impact was so powerful police were put on unemployment and tavern owners went bankrupt
All one can say is something of the mysterious ways of God just steps into the stream of history
-and those who have studied such movements can only conclude they were deep and vital transformations of culture initiated by the Spirit of
God—where repentance becomes the order of the day—just as in Nineveh
-I experienced something of this movement of God first hand when Billy
Graham came to Aberdeen in 91
-and though his message was rather simple—all I know and witnessed was this-God’s grace did something powerful
-people unexplainably began to weep and leave their seats before they were even asked to do so
How can any of us read Jonah 3 without asking—God, is there anything you
can’t do?
-but more—God, what would it take to do the same thing in our
Nineveh today?
-if God did this amazing work through a reluctant prophet
-what might he do through a willing church?
-if God did this through a prayerless Israel—what might God do through a people devoted to prayer—willing to unite to be a prophetic voice?
CONCLUSION
In a mural on a wall in Mainz, Germany is the story of Jonah
-one sees the great fish, the ship, Jonah looking over the city
-what stands out is that the skyline of Nineveh is the skyline of Mainz
-the mural is making a statement—Nineveh is the city nearby that needs to hear the prophetic word
-will we seek God for a fresh movement of the Spirit?
-will we devote ourselves to prayer?
Will we expect, God is there anything you cannot do?

BUILDING BRIDGES WITH YOUR WORDS

Building Bridges - Part 3

Monks, lovely potatoes, lumpy potatoes, hate all this bickering!
Think of a relationship that you want to build a bridge in. It may be a bridge to make the relationship better. It might be a bridge to bring the relationship back together. It might be a bridge to strengthen a relationship that’s already good. It might be a relationship with a husband or wife or kids or a relationship at work or with a Christian friend. Just pick a relationship and say, “I’d like to build a bridge there.”

Now picture that relationship like a car. Any kind you want. (If you’re thinking you haven’t gotten in the spirit of things.) Any kind of car you want, as shiny as you want, as expensive as you want.

If you picture a relationship like a car, have you noticed that sometimes cars get stalled? Relationships the same, Sometimes they just don’t seem to be going anywhere. As much repairs you put in over the years, as shiny as it looks on the outside, as expensive as it might be, sometimes relationships get stalled. The question is, when a relationship gets stalled, how do you get it going again? If it’s a car, you’ve got to put the right fuel in.

All relationships are fueled by communication. Communication is what fuels relationships, what makes them run, what makes them work. I don’t care how great the relationship looks on the outside, if you’re not constantly putting the fuel of communication into the relationship, it’s going to get stalled. Look at any relationship that’s not working, any place where a bridge needs to be built and it’s not going, you can guarantee that someone, somehow, someway stopped talking. And whenever that happens, it stalls.

A lot of newlyweds discover this. When they’re engaged they talk a lot, their relationship is great. Then they get married and after a few months or a few years the conversation stops. You just get busy and you wonder why the relationship’s stalled. You’re not talking as much as you used to.

Today we’re going to talk about communication, how you put in communication as the fuel for relationship regularly. It’s something we need in a country where fifty-percent of wives say, “My husband doesn’t talk to me like I’d like him to.” Where, in 86% of the divorces, the statement is made that one of the major reasons was “We just couldn’t communicate.” In a country where one in four kids say, “I’ve never had a significant conversation with my dad.” We obviously need some help. We need to learn to communicate.

The problem is, communication is not an exact science. It doesn’t work that way. I’ve found that it’s not a science. It’s more of an art. It’s not black and white; it’s filled with fine lines and shades of color. If it’s an art, I feel like a lot of you – like I’m a kid with a crayon trying to figure out how to color between the lines. I still have a lot to learn. This is an area where we need an expert to help us to learn how to communicate. And I know an expert when it comes to communication.

Whenever you’re in a problem, you need an expert. If your car has a problem, a breakdown and you’re not a mechanic, hopefully you’ll take it to a mechanic, an expert, who will help you fix it. If you have a plumbing problem and you don’t know how to fix plumbing, I hope you don’t try to do it yourself. You’re under the sink, the water’s on you and you’re thinking, “I should have called an expert!”

Who’s the world’s greatest expert when it comes to communication? His name is Jesus Christ. There’s no one better at communication. Ask anybody and they’ll say Jesus is a great teacher. He knew how to communicate. He knew how to say things. Today, I’d like us to look together about what He has to teach us about talking, about communication. What does Jesus have to teach us about communication
Let’s look together with the expert on how to communicate. Four things on how to better communicate, how to build bridges through your words.


1. YOU BUILD TRUST

That’s where it starts – by building trust. Without trust, if you can’t trust what I’m saying, then there’s no real communication. If I stood here and said, “Eighty percent of what I’m going to tell you today is true,” that wouldn’t make sense. What about the other 20%? You wouldn’t know what was true and what was false. If you inject any element of mistrust into a relationship it destroys all the communication.

This was important to Jesus. Matthew 5:37 “simply let your yes be yes and your no, no. anything beyond this comes from the evil one.” Jesus was serious about this. He doesn’t just say it’s a bad idea. He says if you don’t build trust into your words it comes from Satan himself. That’s how important this is. In that day, they developed this whole system of trust. That’s what Jesus is talking about. They couldn’t swear on God’s name. They had a law against it. So they had this system of trust where the closer you got to God, the more you could trust what the person says. If someone said, “I swear based on earth, God’s footstool,” you could sort of trust them. But if they said, “I swear based on heaven, where God lives,” that’s closer to God. You could really trust what they said.

We do the same thing. When we were kids we would say things like, “I cross my heart and hope to die.” That means, “You can trust me on this one.” When we get older we say, “I swear it’s true this time!” Even a word like “honestly”… I hate it when I use the word “honestly”. When you say to a person, “honestly…” does that mean all the other times you were lying to them but now you can trust me. That doesn’t make sense.

Jesus said, here’s the way to build trust. “Let your ‘yes’ be ‘yes’ and your ‘no,’ ‘no.’” The more you allow what you say to be something that can be trusted, the better communication inevitably you’re going to have.

We all struggle with this. There’s a lot of ways we erode trust in relationships. The top four:

1. Lies. Lies are always told in the absence of trust. I tell you a lie because I don’t trust you. I don’t trust that you’re going to accept me.

2. Flattery. Flattery is just a positive lie, a lie that’s designed to manipulate you to get you to do what I want you to do. Psalms 12:3 “May the Lord cut off all flattering lips.” The Bible’s an honest book!

3. Broken promises. Whenever you break a promise to someone you break a trust. Have you noticed how easy it is sometimes to break a promise you’ve made to your kids? Sometimes they don’t even complain. But anytime you do it, you’re breaking a trust.

4. Silence. Not talking, not letting someone get to know you. Speak also! That’s part of good communication. Sharing yourself is part of letting someone learn to trust you, opening yourself up. If you’re silent all the time, people don’t know what’s going on. It’s hard to know whether you can trust.

Jesus taught if you really want to have great communication, you have to build trust. You can’t have quality communication without deep trust. It’s impossible.

Some of you have the question, “How do we/I rebuild trust? I’ve already lied. It’s already been broken, destroyed. How do we rebuild this foundation of trust so we can start to talk again?” As hard as it is to say, the only answer I have is, you rebuild trust one word at a time. One “yes” at a time and one “no” at a time. And one “You can believe me this time” at a time. Trust has to be earned

That means it’s going to take time. But it’s worth it.

earthquake up in San Francisco, They worked on a number of the old Victorian houses there that the foundations had been destroyed by the earthquake. The house was fine but the foundation was destroyed. It was harder rebuilding the foundation than building it in the first place. To rebuild it, they had to lift the house, build the foundation under it, and then put the house back down. Was it worth it? Of course it was. It was a beautiful home that was saved.

Some of you have some beautiful relationships that need to be saved but you’ve just got to lift it up, do some work underneath, rebuild that foundation of trust, and then set it back down. It’s going to take time. It’s going to be hard work. But it is worth it.

Jesus said that’s where great communication starts. You build trust.


2. YOU GUARD YOUR THOUGHTS.

That’s where it all begins. In Matthew 12 and Mark 7 there’s a couple of things about the way we think and how that results in what we say. Matthew 12:34 “For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” Circle heart” and “mouth”. Mark 7:15 “Your souls aren’t harmed by what you eat but by what you think and say.” Circle “think” and “say”.

Do you see the vicious circle? How what I say affects what I think, affects what I say, affects what I think… You start with angry words and those angry words result in a wounded soul. That wounded soul results in a bitter heart. And that bitter heart results in more angry words. You just can’t seem to get out of this vicious circle of “I’m angry, I’m wounded, I’m hurt so I say more angry words.” It goes round and around.

I heard a story of a vicious circle recently. There was a guy, an old man, jogging round a football pitch. The football players were playing in the middle, doing a practice, and he was jogging. They were doing sprints. He thought, “As long as those kids are doing sprints, I think I can jog.” So he keeps jogging and they keep doing sprints. Jogging –sprints. Finally he had to quit. He stopped. And when he stopped, they stopped. One of the lads walked up to him and said, “I’m glad you stopped. The gaffer said as long as an old man keeps running, we had to keep running!”

That’s a vicious circle. And we’ve all been caught up with those vicious circles that happen with our words. I’m getting angrier because I’m speaking more and more angry words. Jesus said if you want to have great communication you’ve got to guard your heart. It’s one of the keys. Jesus said that words are never a slip of the tongue, they’re always an overflow of the heart. That’s what He meant when He said, “For out of the overflow of your heart, the mouth speaks.” I may not have wanted to say it, but I felt it or I wouldn’t have said it. Communication starts with what I think and what I feel. If I guard that, I’ll talk in a better way.

Do you ever let your thoughts leak out into your words? You didn’t mean to. You weren’t going to say it but you got angry or something happened and it just came out. We’ve all done that. That’s what Jesus is talking about. In fact, Jesus said it’s inevitable. Eventually it’s going to happen. Part of great communication is guarding your heart. Telling yourself, “If I think it, I’m eventually going to say it.”

The truth is, for many of us, we will never experience, in the way we communicate, a real change in our relationships until we’ve had a change in heart because that’s where it begins.

How do you have a change of heart? How does that happen? But before that, two other things that Jesus taught us about communication.


3. YOU’VE GOT TO USE YOUR EARS.

God’s our example in this. Remember there is no better example of listening than God. Psalm 116:1 “I love the Lord because He listens to my prayers for help.” God hears everything. Imagine this… He hears billions of prayers everyday. Some of my prayers don’t seem worth listening to when I think about them later. They’re selfish prayers, prayers that are just focused on me. They don’t think about others or the future. Yet God listens to every one of them. He’s our example.

He teaches us to be listeners also. The problem is, we’re not exactly a nation of listeners. We struggle with listening. Listening is not our natural preference. Most of us would rather be speaking than listening. Most of us filter whatever we hear through our opinions, through what we’re going to say next. Some experts say that we really only hear 20% or so of what’s being said to us. We’ve got to learn to use our ears.

Proverbs 18:13 “Listen before you answer. If you don’t you’re being stupid and insulting.” Circle “stupid” and “insulting”. If I don’t listen, I’m being stupid – it hurts me. If I don’t listen, I’m being insulting – it hurts you. But if I do listen, I’m being wise, it helps me. If I do listen, I’m being loving – it helps you. Listening helps both you and others. It helps others because we all need someone who’s willing to listen to us.

When people learn I am a minister they often want to share a problem or an issue in their life. Why? Because people desperately need someone who will listen to them. We all need that.

If you can learn to listen, you can change the lives of the people around you. No doubt. It helps them and it helps you. If you and I learn to listen, it makes us look good! Proverbs 21:23 talks about how listening helps us. “Keep your mouth closed and you’ll stay out of trouble.” That verse is clear; it helps me to listen. Proverbs 10:19 “Don’t talk so much. You keep putting your foot in your mouth. Be sensible and turn off the flow.” Don’t you hate the way the Bible is so honest sometimes? Yet if I can do that, I’ve found that the less I talk, the smarter people think I am.

Genuine listening is hard work. You’ve got to involve all of yourself in it. It’s just plain hard work. The Chinese character for listening incorporates the symbols for eyes, ears, undivided attention in that one character. It’s a pretty good picture of what listening is all about. It involves all of me. So in the interest of all of us wanting to be better listeners, improving our skills in this area, let me give you an acrostic based on the word “listen”. Six simple things we can do to improve our skills in listening.

L – Look at people. Listen not just with your ears but with your eyes. That’s one of the keys to listening well – simply looking at the person you’re listening to.

I – Invest in people. The attitude when you invest in somebody when you’re listing is, “This person is important.” To be an effective listener means to accept people for who they are and not who I want them to be. Effective listening means you stop labeling people and start listening to people.

S – Stop whatever else you’re doing. Good listening is like tuning in a radio station. You can only tune in one station at a time. I know you can hear two things at a time. I can do that too. I can repeat what was said, but I wasn’t listening. I didn’t focus in and hear what that person said. Stop whatever else you’re doing and listen to the person.

T – Think about what they are saying. When we’re listening, what do we usually think about? Not what they’re saying. We usually are thinking “What am I going to say next?” We have a habit of doing that. I’m terrible at this. I don’t like long stories when I don’t know the end of the story – listening to this long story and I don’t know where it’s headed or what the end is. The problem is everyone in my family tells long stories. I think God’s trying to teach me something! I try to guess the end of the story before they get there. And they make the story longer because I’m trying to guess the end of the story. Let people tell the story the way they want to. Let people talk about their feelings the way they want to. I’ve got a lot to learn on this one, I’m a fellow learner. But if we can do that, we can love people with our ears – listening to them.

E – Empathize with them. Empathize with what they’re feeling and going through. The greatest test between a good listener and a bad listener: A bad listener listens to what you’ve said, then at the end of your story, they tell a story to top your story. That’s a bad listener. A good listener, when you get to the end of what you’ve said, asks a question to draw out more of your story. That’s the difference. You empathize with what that person is saying. You acknowledge their feelings – they may be wrong feelings but they do feel that way. You acknowledge that they feel that way. It’s ok to feel that way and then it’s ok to be changed.

N – Notice body language. That’s a key to good listening. A lot of what we say is in our body language. One university study has shown that 55% of a speaker’s impact is not in what they say. That’s 7%, the words. Fifty-five percent is your body language. The other is in your tone of voice. Do you want to be an expert listener? Learn to pick up those visual cues. Learn what it means when somebody crosses their arms. There’s a barrier here. Something’s wrong. Learn what it means when somebody’s eyes are downcast. They may be saying they had a great day today but something is not there. Learn what it means when somebody’s jaw is set. As you get to know someone better and better you pick up even little visual cues. It’s part of being a great listener.

Psychologist Carl Roger said this about understanding and listening, “Nothing feels so good as being understood.” That’s true. When I try to share some aspect of myself and my communication is met with evaluation, or reassurance or even worse, distortion of my meaning, I know what it is to be alone. All of us have felt the loneliness of trying to talk with someone and not getting anything back. Especially when it’s something important to us.

What do you do? You learn to listen.

We’ve talked about three things communications. We haven’t even gotten to our words yet. It’s important to realize. It starts with what I think. It starts with building through my trust. It starts with the way that I listen.


4. YOU EMPOWER YOUR WORDS

Why? Because words are the single most important tool given to us from God. Without a doubt! The book of Proverbs tells us that death and life are in the power of the tongue. In the Old Testament, in the book of Genesis. Remember the story of a place called the Tower of Babel? They were trying to build a tower to be like God and God wanted to halt the construction project. How did He halt it? Did He take away their hammers? Did He take away their chisels? Did He take away their construction plans?

He took away their ability to communicate. When He did that, the project crumbled. That’s how important words are.

Ephesians 4:29 tells us they are still important in our everyday lives today. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs.” Words can be used like a tool to smash a window or build a foundation. They’re powerful. Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can …. Break a child’s heart, words can break a husband’s dreams, can break a wife’s love. Or words can build. Do we realize, do we have any conception of the power that we have to build into other people’s lives with a few words? To build encouragement into somebody’s life with the simple encouragement, “Good job!” Or to build a sense of healing into somebody’s life with the simple words, “I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?” Or to build hope for the future or energy for today with the words, “I love you.” You know about this. It’s happened in your life. Think of the times that your life has been changed by just a few words at just the right time, just the right moment. It may have been a coach giving you encouragement. It may have been a grandma giving you advice. It may have been your husband/wife sharing words of love with you. It may have been a teacher sharing some truths. Those words said at the right time, you can look back and say, “My life changed because of those words in that moment.”

How powerful are words? The Bible says that God created the world with the word. That’s how powerful words are.

Yet in the book of James in the New Testament in chapter 2, James reminds us that we have a tough time with our tongues sometimes. He says if anybody can speak perfectly all the time, they’re a perfect person. He said that our tongue is like a restless evil. It’s full of poison. Later in the book he says, “Out of this same mouth come blessings and cursing.” We’ve all faced that.

The question is, How do I use these words to build people rather than tear people down? Counselor, Gary Chapman, said this about communication: “Communication is basically an act of the will.” I’ve got to decide some things and Jesus shows us the way. What can I decide to do this week to build people with my words? Four things from the example of Jesus, the way that He communicated with people.

1. I can decide to be honest. Proverbs 24:26 “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.” Yet many of us relate more to this quote: “The secret of life is honesty in fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” That’s not Proverbs. That’s Groucho Marx. We relate to that, though. It’s tough to be honest sometimes.

Jesus was honest in His communication. He didn’t talk so much about honesty as He practiced honesty. As I read through every conversation that Jesus had with people and thought about how did Jesus talk to people, if I had to pick one word to describe how Jesus Christ talked to people that word would be “honest”. He spoke with honesty in all of His relationships.

Ephesians 4:15 in the New Testament tells us how that honesty is balanced in our lives. “Speaking the truth in love.” You balance truth and love. It takes both. You speak it in love. There are some people who use truth like a missile. They don’t tell you the truth. They aim it at you. We’ve all discovered that. That’s not what this is talking about. There are other people who are just thoughtless. That can also hurt people. They’re just thoughtless with what they say. They say things like, “You do well for your age.” Or “I can’t believe you did such a good job!” Was that a compliment? The truth sometimes hurts. But it doesn’t have to maim, kill and destroy. You speak in love. But you also speak the truth. You don’t sugar coat it so much that people can’t tell what you mean. It’s not honest to veil the truth in ambiguity. It’s not honest to never get to the point. Honesty demands clarity. The two go together. “Speak the truth in love.”

As I look at myself, it’s a lot easier many times for me to be nice than for me to be honest. Yet as I studied how Jesus spoke to people, He wasn’t always nice. He talked to a group of guys called the Pharisees, religious leaders, one day. He said, “You guys are hurting people with what you’re saying. You’re a bunch of snakes and hypocrites.” That’s not nice, Jesus, to say that. But that’s what He said. He talked to a friend of His one day, Simon Peter, and said, “Get behind Me, Satan!” He said that to a friend of His. It wasn’t nice. But it was the honest thing for what was happening in that moment. Jesus also had the power to encourage people with His honesty. He did both.

The truth is, I have to decide and you have to decide: Do I want to impress people or impact people? Do I want to impress them with, He’s a nice guy! She’s a nice girl! Or do I want to impact people with honesty, the life changing kind of honesty? Especially true with our kids. It’s true in our jobs. Sir Alan Sugar, the apprentice he is tough but they key is that he’s a straight shooter. He’s got a flat out attachment to the truth. He is honest It’s true everywhere in our lives. I’ve learned, especially with those people who are close to you, they’re going to be honest in the end anyway. It’s going to come out. Why not begin with honesty? “Speaking the truth in love.”

Aside: I know that sometimes speaking the truth and being honest, to say we’re being honest when we’re really being hurtful. What’s happening is we’re verbally abusing the people that are around us. These words that can so much heal people can also hurt people. Knowing that we can get caught up in this vicious circle, I thought it might be helpful to read you a list of how do you know if this becomes verbal abuse. We all argue. We all say the wrong things sometimes. How do you know if you’ve crossed over the line and you’re verbalizing abusing the people around you?

1. These outbursts rarely occur in public. It's always private, it's always secret. Nobody else can know. That way you can turn it on and off.

2. They often come out of the blue. Everything’s going along fine and them bam! Everything explodes. By explodes I don’t mean you have to be yelling. You can verbally abuse people by putdowns, by quiet talk sometimes, too.

3. They often occur when your spouse, your kids, your friends are feeling happy and enthusiastic. When they’re feeling great, something in you triggers and you want to put them down. Usually because you’re feeling not to good about yourself.

4. It becomes familiar, a pattern. The people in your life can say, “Wow! We’ve been through that one before. I’ve seen that one happen before.”

5. The communication involves a lot of putdowns. It expresses disdain. It expresses a real putdown of other people. “You’re no good at this… You’ll never amount to … “ kind of talk.

6. You never seek reconciliation and often you’re not even bothered by the incident. That’s how you know if you’re starting to cross over the line.

Illustration- words spoken, then the mask goes on again.

I know some of you are caught up in this. If you are, I want to encourage you: Get help. You can get out of that vicious circle. You don’t have to stay stuck there. We have a lay counseling ministry that can be a first step. This is a circle that can be broken so you can use your words not to tear people down but like you want to. You can begin to use your words to build people up.

One of the ways to do that, Jesus taught us, is to be honest.

2. I can decide to use touch. Jesus had a habit of touching the people that He healed. Luke 5:13 “Jesus reached out and touched the man and He said, ‘Of course I will. Be healed.’” Then the last part of the verse. “… and the leprosy left him immediately.” You may not be a doctor or a nurse, but is it a good idea to touch somebody with leprosy? In that day, if you were a leper, you would walk down the street and cry out, “Leper! Leper!” and people would clear the way in front of you. Jesus walked up to this person that no one even wanted to see their sores and touched his sores and He healed him. Jesus used touch to heal. He taught us to use touch.

When Jesus touched people it was the right kind of touch. It wasn’t a phony touch. Jesus’ touch was genuine, real. And it wasn’t inappropriate. It certainly wasn’t sexual or violent. Some of you have been the victim of that. But His touch was gentle and real. That touch often changed people’s lives. That touch often communicated things that nothing else did. Never underestimate the power of touch.

A few years back in a medical journal there was an article on the power of touch. It talked about a study that was done with surrogate grandparents for children who had been abused and neglected. In this study, the surrogate grandparents gave massages to neglected and abused babies in a shelter. The babies slept better. They were more alert. They became more active and more sociable when they were awake because of the power of touch.

But that’s not the end of the story. The adults benefited too. The surrogate grandparents made fewer trips to the doctor’s office, they spent more time with their friends, they reported less anxiety and depression. The stress related hormones in their bloodstream decreased. All because of the power of touch.

I asked a friend of mine who is a children’s pastor, “What’s one of the mistakes you see parents make as their kids start getting older?” He said, “They stop hugging their kids. The guys start to look studly and the girls start to develop and they stop hugging.” I’m not talking about inappropriate touch. I’m talking about hugging your kids. That touch can make a difference. I am going to keep hugging and kissing my kids even when they say they hate it, it’s a little embarrassing, but it’s still the right thing to do. You communicate love through touch. Jesus taught us to do that.

Who do you need to heal through a simple touch this week?

3. Ask questions. That’s a decision I can make to improve communication this week. Ask questions. Questions have the power to challenge and clarify. Look at how Jesus challenged a close friend of His with a question. Mark 8:29, Jesus asked of Peter, “Who do you think I am? and Peter answered, ‘You’re the Messiah.’” That’s the first time anyone ever said that. That’s the greatest confession of faith in the New Testament. It came because Jesus challenged Peter with a question. That changed everything.

Statements tend to confront. They build barriers. Questions, asked in the right way, tend to challenge. They can break through barriers. A lot of times when we want to challenge somebody else, instead of using a question, we use volume. We get louder and louder. We feel that the louder we get, the better people will hear. When somebody talks at you really loud, does it make you want to listen to them? No. You build a barrier. You don’t want to hear that. But when you use a question, phrased in the right way, well thought out, it can break through that barrier.

I remember before I was a believer in Christ, and understood what Christianity was about (I thought I understood it) someone asked me a question, “Would you like to know that you’re a Christian?” I didn’t want to talk to them and sort of blew them off. But I thought about that. The question challenged me. I’d always thought that you couldn’t know. You had to wait until you got to heaven. It was some kind of huge lottery in the sky whether you made it in or not. When he asked that question, I kept thinking, “Can you know for sure?” That was one of the things that led me to faith in Christ, to understanding what Christianity really is. It’s not just trying to be good. It is finding out that there is a security found in Christ and there is forgiveness and I can know. That question challenged my thinking.

Who can you challenge with a question? Questions also clarify. They help you to identify what you think you’ve just said is what the other person heard you just saying. Clarification is all-important in communication. Because in any communication there is some translating going on.

A lot of you might know that when Vauxhall decided to name a car Nova did not know that it means “Doesn’t go” in Spanish – not a good name for that particular market. Coors encourages English speaking customers to “turn it loose”. Unfortunately the phrase in Spanish meant ‘suffer from diarrhea.” And when someone said, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken.” Spanish speakers heard, “It takes a sexy man to make a chicken affectionate.” Something got lost in the translation! It didn’t work.

Often things get lost in the translation. Would you agree that some translation has to go on between parents and kids sometimes. Would you agree that translation has to go on sometimes between manager and staff? Things get lost. How many of you would say that often there is some translating that has to go on between men and women? Questions can help. I can’t tell you how many arguments Donna and I have had – and some big arguments – over the fact that we just didn’t understand what the other person was saying, over one little phrase that we said the wrong way and didn’t understand it. We all do this. And if we just ask the right questions at the right time, it would have changed everything. It has the power to clarify.

4. Use pictures. Jesus was the master at this. One time He sat down with a religious leader by the name of Nicodemus. He was trying to picture for him the fact that Christianity didn’t mean “doing better.” It meant starting over. He couldn’t get it across so finally He said this to him in John 3: 3 “Jesus replied, `With all the earnestness I possess I tell you this. Unless you are born again, you can never get into the kingdom of God.’”

“Born again”. We use that phrase a lot of different ways today. What it meant originally was just a picture. Jesus said it means starting over, having a new life. That’s what it means to know Me. Jesus, again and again throughout His life, used pictures to help people see things they hadn’t seen before. When He talked about who He was He’d say, “I’m like the Door, I’m like the Way.” When He sat down with a woman beside a well to talk about life, He said, “I’m the Living Water.” When He talked to farmers about who He was, He’d say, “The word is like seed that’s planted.” When He talked to fishermen, He would say, “I want to make you a fisher of men.” He had a great knack for using pictures. In fact, His pictures had a name in the Bible. They’re called parables, stories that Jesus told to picture what life is really like. One place in the Bible it says that Jesus was not talking to them without using a parable. He always used a picture when He talked. If I want to be a great communicator and Jesus was the best communicator that ever walked this earth and He always used pictures when He talked, I’d better learn something from it. Pictures are a part of communication. Usually, to use a picture, you have to think it out in advance to help someone to see something.

I was talking to a friend this last week who was saying, “I know I have problems but I don’t feel like working on them because I see people who have a lot worse problems than I do.” I said to him, “It’s like this. Let’s say you’re in quicksand up to your waist and some other people around you are in quicksand up to their neck. Does that mean you’re not going to try to get out of the quicksand? In fact, if you do get out of the quicksand, maybe you can help them too.” A picture can help you to see something that you haven’t seen before.

We are in the middle of a communications revolution. Just think of all that’s happening these days, the convergence of all the cable systems and all the telephone systems and Internet and all that’s happening with cell phones and all the different ways that people are communicating. Think of radio and cell phones, all the messages that are flowing through your body right now that you can’t even hear. That’s how great this revolution is. Yet, we still have a hard time talking to each other.

A while back I got a new mobile phone. The first day I had it, I pushed two buttons on it and it locked the thing I couldn’t use it. I kept trying to push buttons to figure the thing out. I couldn’t. I even read through the manual but I couldn’t figure out how to do it. Finally, after about a week, I talked to an expert and they said, Punch those in and then it will work.

That’s sort of like what we talked about today. I knew theory, I just didn’t know how to put it into practice.

You already know what we talked about today. Who doesn’t know that we need to listen? Who doesn’t want to build people with their words? Who doesn’t know that when you break trust it breaks down communication? We all know these things. The encouragement today is, punch in some numbers this next week. Unlock the communication with somebody. Don’t try to do it all at once.

At the end, there’s some boxes to check. Check one of them to say “This is what I’m going to do this week.” The first one: “Build trust by ….” The next one: “I want to guard my heart by ….” Then, “I want to use my ears by… Then, “I want to empower my words by …” Look through this and check one of those boxes. Don’t try to do all four. Just start with one. You can’t do it all at once and neither can I. Maybe you just want to be a better listener this week. Maybe you want to build trust in a relationship this week by letting your “yes” be “yes”, this time at least and your “no” be “no”. Maybe you want to guard your heart in a better way. Maybe it’s you want to empower your words. Who needs to hear a word of healing from you? Who, with a well-phrased question, could you help to see something they haven’t seen before? Who needs to have a picture from you to discover a new truth?

I told you earlier I want to talk for a moment about how do you get a new heart. One of the keys to communication is what’s happening in my heart. And if I don’t change what’s happening in my heart, it’s not going to change my words. How do you get a new heart?

The same one that teaches about communication is the same one who can give us a new heart, Jesus Christ. That’s what He came to the earth to do. The cross and the resurrection of Christ is not just an historical event. It’s a personal event. It’s all about Him wanting to give forgiveness into my life because I’ve blown it sometimes. And also direction for my life. How do you get a new heart? Communication. Communication with Him. Talk with Him. You can do it right now. You don’t even have to close your eyes. You can talk to God in your mind and He’ll hear you. Right now, where you’re seated, you can say to God in your mind, “I want a new heart. I have done dumb things in my life. I’ve blown it. I’ll admit it. I’ve sinned. Would You forgive me. Give me a new heart. Help me to start over. But that’s not enough for me. I don’t just want to erase the past I want to live in a new way in the future. Would You start to guide and direct my life? A lot of things I don’t understand but would You help me to learn how?” As you say that in your mind right now, I promise you God’s hearing you. That’s why He came to this earth to let us know He’s hearing us. He came to reestablish connection with us, to open the lines, the channel of communication. I promise you, He’s doing what you ask.

I don’t know about you but this thing of communication is tough sometimes.. I want to pray for you and me both that God would give us strength to communicate in new ways this week.

Prayer:

Jesus, You are the best at communication. You are the one who teaches us so we look to You together and ask You for strength. Help us to listen where we haven’t. Help us to build with out words where we haven’t been building and may have been tearing down. Lord, if we’ve been abusing others with these words that You’ve given us to build people up, help us to seek out help. To seek a change. Help us not to give up on rebuilding trust. It’s going to be tough, but You can help us to do it. It will take time but it will be worth it. And Lord, as best as we know how right now, we give our hearts to You. That’s where it all starts. I pray particularly for those who just a moment ago, for the first time, said Jesus Christ I want a new heart. My prayer is that You let them know that You heard their prayer. And Lord when we ask You for forgiveness You always keep Your promise. And when we ask You for direction You’ll always be there. Father, as best as we know how, we communicate to You that we want to build up the people around us with the words that You’ve given to us. We ask this in Jesus’ name. Amen.

“The God of Second Chances”

Series: Having a Heart for Nineveh
Jonah 3:1-4
INTRO
In the book, Rebuilding Your Broken World, Vernon Grounds begins with the question—
“If the whole structure of your existence is shattered,
Like a broken vase—dropped on a hardwood floor
Can those shards be gathered up and made into something beautiful, useful again?”
To put it another way— Once Humpty Dumpty had his great fall— Are all the king’s horses and all the king’s men incapable of doing anything -except lamenting as they consign his fragments into the rubble?
It is a question any of us who have failed ask ourselves -when our lives fall apart-be it through addictive behavior, having an abortion, choosing to drift, making a collective set of choices that have veered us from the life God intended is there hope of ever being whole again—hope of being useful for God?
-Jonah 3:1-3 speaks to the question (read)
Before we unpack these verses—let’s consider again the context -as we saw at the beginning, Jonah had the opportunity other prophets would dream about—go to a big city, set up a festival, preach to a pagan audience—be used powerfully of God--but he did an about face and ran -for reasons that become clearer in chap 4
Illustration-
Having sat on his wall of self-made plans—Jonah fell and his world shattered
-and in this he joined the ranks of other broken world people-Jacob, Asa, Samson, Saul, you, me
-but now, having literally hit sea bottom, coming to the end of himself
-coming to grips with the fact no one can escape from the call of God
-Jonah reaffirmed his prophetic commitment
-and was unceremoniously deposited unto dry land as so much Poisson puke (read 2:10)
And in this context—God gives us these verses-3:1-3
A. If you look closely at the words found in verses 1-3, you will find they sound
Repetitious
1:1-the word of the Lord came to Jonah
3:1-the word of the Lord came to Jonah a second time
1:2-arise and go to Nineveh
3:2-arise and go to Nineveh
B. There is an intentional parallelism that tells us we have moved from Act I to
Act II
-(think of Jonah as the OT version of Groundhog Day with Bill Murray)
-God will keep starting the day with Sonny and Cher until Jonah gets it right and starts living for Someone beside himself
C. Jonah came to this moment of realization that he cannot escape the assignment
-Jonah cannot even choose to die-God won’t let him
-so this time—Jonah listens
-but there is a difference in this text—slight—but big
-1:2-Jonah was challenged to “speak against Nineveh”
-3:2-now Jonah is commanded to “speak to Nineveh
-having tasted grace, Jonah is commanded not so much to denounce as to speak into their lives, not so much to consign and condemn as to warn and prepare
-to proclaim the message “which I Myself will give to you”
So Jonah arose—just as he did in 1:3—and went-as he did before -only this time there is no detour to Joppa—no cruise ship to Tarshish -though it may have made little sense to preach to a nation that had ruled with harshness for 270 years
-Jonah was reconciled to God’s call In all of this—as with any book
-God is telling us something about Himself
-here’s what’s clear in the book of Jonah so far—
1. GOD IS IN THE BUSINESS OF CALLING US
-Jonah underscores what is found from Genesis to Revelation to this moment
-that at various points—we will be brought face to face with why God has created us—what He has placed His hand on us to be, to do
-we won’t find it—it finds us-just as it did Jonah -and, as Os Guinness notes in his book, The Call, it will come in various seasons
a. teens begin to reckon with it as they begin to emerge and discover themselves, their passion, a faith that is becoming their own
b. graduates confront it as they move into a world of opportunity
c. people in their 30’s confront it when work and life press in from all sides—and they begin to ponder what Allender calls “four core questions”
-who am I to serve?
-where am I to be?
-what burden am I to bear? (for all of us are called into a world of
need)
-how am I to engage? (depending upon our gifts)
d. people face it in mid-life—especially when they find that what they are doing may not be matching with what they sense they were made for
e. people-with enormous success face it—when they realize that their success does not equate into something significant
All, one way or another, will hear God speaking, calling us first to Someone
-and then calling us to something
-for “sentness” is our fundamental identity
-John 20:21-as the Father sent Me, so I am sending you
-to be a radical follower of Jesus
-to submit our gifts and abilities to Him—allow God’s life be willed through us
-to be a prophetic voice
-to go to our Nineveh and declare God’s justice, God’s grace
-to be a world changing community of believers
But sometimes-when it is there in front of us—staring at us—calling to us—and it will
-like Jonah—we may run from it
-be it through indifference—because we are too absorbed in our own purposes
-be it fear—for we have learned in life to insulate ourselves from risk
-be it outright disobedience—disagreeing with God
And because of this—Jonah shows us a second thing
2. GOD IS IN THE BUSINESS OF REFORMING US
-for when we run—miss becoming this channel for God’s glory and work on
this planet
-life gets mis-shaped
As Jonah 2 underscores-things eventually move into a downward trajectory
-we bang our shins, scrape our elbows, waste our gifts
-our world can begin to fall apart—as any world built on self does
-we realize we have missed what we were made for
-miss God’s will for this world--
-and God—because of His profound love--must do His work of reforming us back to Christlikeness
-painful as that is
But here’s where lots of people stop—at 2:10
-I’m back on dry land-by the grace of God
-but I’m only as good as fish vom.
But Jonah tells us something else about God—the pt of verses 1-3
3. GOD IS ALSO IN THE BUSINESS OF RESTORING US
-here God is telling us He is a God of genesis and regenesis
-as Karen Mains puts it—
“He composts life’s bitter fruits, moldering rank and decomposing, and applies the matter to our new day chances”
-or to put it in the words of Jeremiah 18-the potter takes the spoiled clay and remakes it into another vessel “as it pleased the potter to make”
-verses 1-3 is God’s affirmation that He is interested in calling us once again to do what He intended to do through us in the first place
-not merely to wholeness—but to usefulness again
Not that the consequences of running automatically disappear—nor that it is automatic
-some seemingly get one chance—
-the unnamed prophet of I Kings 13 failed to heed God’s clear directions and was mangled by a lion
-Moses struck the rock once—and was denied another chance to lead Israel into the land
-and there are others—Cain, Lot’s wife, Saul, Achan, Ananias and Sapphira
But these are the exceptions of Scripture
-for every Moses there is a John Mark
-for every Cain, a David, a Peter—who God chose to restore to usefulness
-for every unnamed prophet, there is a Jonah
-men, women given a renewed commission
This is what God is in the business of doing—
-this is what the work of Jesus on the Cross is all about
-taking broken world people and sending them forth once again as His servants in growing the kingdom
CONCLUSION
-but here’s my fear—some of you may not take Jonah seriously
-I’m not interested in God’s call on my life
-but here’s what you better prepare for—God is tenacious—and He will not give up
-and if it takes tossing you into the depths of the sea—He will
-but the greater concern here is that some of you might be buying in to the Accuser’s voice
-you’re too messed up—you can no longer be used
-the shards cannot be made into something useful, beautiful again
-I think this is true of lots of believers, lots of churches
-we had our chance—we have had our season—-we might be good enough for reformation—but not restoration
But that attitude raises really big questions
1. If God restored a Jonah—would He not restore you?
2. How deeply do you believe in God’s capacity to forgive?
-in the largeness of the Cross to reclaim us?
-the largeness of God’s love to reform us?
-the largeness of God’s power to rebuild and restore us?
3. Could it be you are denying God the pleasure of using you as He created you
to be?

GETTING TO THE ROOT OF OUR PROBLEM

Building Bridges
Galatians 5:14, 1 Corinthians 13:2
01/06/2009

Last week we began looking at Building Bridges – building bridges of relationships with God and each other. Today I want us to look at Getting to the Root of Our Problem
The Bible makes it very clear that nothing matters more than relationships. Nothing. Your relationship first to God and second, your relationship to other people. Nothing matters more than those things. The great commandment says “Love God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself.” You may not realize though that that verse is so important, that phrase “Love your neighbor as yourself,” God wants you to get it so He repeats it in the Bible not once, not twice, three, four five, six times. But it is found in the Bible nine different times. It’s as if God is writing it in capital letters: “RELATIONSHIPS, that’s what counts.”

If I were to summarize the whole Bible in one word, it would be “Relationship”. God created you for a relationship. Jesus came to earth to make possible a relationship and, with His Spirit in your heart, you can have relationships with others. Relationships are far more important than money, far more important than success, they’re far more important than any accomplishment or achievement you’ll ever do, they’re more important than fame, they’re more important than pleasure. Relationships are more important than prestige or status. In fact, the Bible says that if I am a success in every other area of life except relationships, I am a failure.

Galatians 5:14 “The entire law is summed up in a single command, `Love your neighbor as yourself.’” Paul says, “If I have not love, I’m nothing.” All these other things matter but they don’t matter most and without love they don’t matter at all. They don’t matter at all! You could make forty billion dollars a year like Bill Gates, but if you don’t know how to love your wife, you’re nothing. You could be the prime minister, but if you don’t know how to love your children, and don’t have a real relationship in your life, you’re nothing in God’s eyes. “If I have not love I am nothing.”

We all like to think we’re great at loving people. But many of the times when we think we love, we’re not being loving at all. How do you know if you’re good at loving? Simple. Ask, “Does anybody in the world feel loved by me?” We never ask that question. We always ask the question, “Does anybody love me?” and we spend most of our lives trying to get people to love us, respect us, and value us, to meet our needs. God says, “No, you’ve got it all backwards.” The measure of greatness is, “Does anybody feel loved by me. Am I a loving a person? Not, Do I receive it? But, Do I give it?”

The Bible also teaches us that relationships are never easy because we are all sinners. We’re all imperfect, we’ve all blown it, and we all make mistakes. There are no perfect relationships because there are no perfect people.

Ecclesiastes 7:20 says “There’s no one on the earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” We all are first class sinners. We’ve all blown it. Nobody is perfect. As a result of that, our relationships are imperfect. We long for good relationships. Do we ever! Every human being wants to have meaningful relationships. Every human being has a desire to be fully known and to know others fully, to be understood and to understand. And in our feeble attempts we try to get along, we try to build deep relationships. We try to understand each other. But most of the time it just doesn’t work out.

Donna and I sometimes argue. Sometimes you have a big one and you think, can I ever manage to sort this out? Have you ever felt like that?
That’s frustrating but let me tell you what’s even more frustrating. We still have that kind of misunderstanding today. 5 years later. It happened this last week. We had some silly argument and we were misunderstanding each other and hurting each other.
Do you ever get to the point – does anybody ever get to the point – you so fully understand human behavior and you so understand that person that you understand them completely and you feel for their needs and you always meet their needs completely and therefore there never are any conflicts or arguments? Does that ever happen? If anybody here today has got to that stage in life, I invite you to come up now. You should be preaching the sermon, not me. Do your relationships ever frustrate you? Do you ever get frustrated knowing that they could be better but they’re not? Does it ever frustrate you that you know what your relationships ought to be but they aren’t? Does it ever bother you when you realize the potential of your relationships and you’re nowhere near them?

What makes it worse is we all have this idealized image of what the perfect relationship is, the perfect family is. We all have it in our minds. It’s kind of like… the Waltons, little house on the prairie or the Cunningham family. You know what you think his family meals must be like. Everybody comes to the table with their hair combed. You set down and there’s a perfectly spread meal. And Mr Walton has this big family Bible setting right there on the side of the table. And the kids come in and they’re so polite and sweet and they discuss their days then one of the kids says, “Dad, I have a theological question. I was witnessing to an atheist today and I need you to answer this for me.” And Mr Walton opens his Bible and so wisely and profoundly exposits the truth. Then we have desert together and holds hands and pray and sing Kum Ba Ya. Then we all get tucked into bed and have toast and milk.

Nobody lives that way! Nobody! Ever. They don’t even live that way. Nobody has that perfect, idealized family.

What’s the reality? The reality is there is always two natures inside of you: your new nature as a believer and your old nature which wants to sin – constantly fighting. Galatians 5:17 “The old sinful nature loves to do evil which is just the opposite of what the Holy Spirit wants and the Spirit gives us desires that are opposite to what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other. And your choices are never free from this conflict.” Circle “never free”. As long as you live on earth, which is an imperfect place, you will be never free from the tension of good and evil.

What’s the real problem in our relationships? When you boil it all down, the root of every problem is self-centeredness. It is at the root behind every conflict, behind every argument, behind every relational strain. It is self-centeredness. James 4:1-2 “Do you know where your fights and arguments come from? They come from the selfish desires that war within you. You want things but you do not have them so you argue and you fight.” If you want to have great relationships with your friends, with your husband/wife. If you’re a single person and you want to get married, if you want to have great relations, it starts inside you. It doesn’t start with your husband, it doesn’t start with your girlfriend, it doesn’t start with your child or parent. It starts inside you. You need a major realignment of your own motivation. And we’ve got to do some serious work on it this morning. A major realignment of your motivations have to take place if you’re going to have good, healthy, satisfying relationships.

Some of you don’t know what I’ve been doing this past week, assembly, need much thinking time, , I was in my study, studying and I had the most profound thought I could possibly think of. This was a thought that was going to change the world. I knew it was going to help these pastors. I knew it was going to make a major difference in the lives of thousands of churches. At that very moment I was having that thought, my wife came in downstairs, she’d just been out shopping and she called up and said, “Honey? Could you come down and help bring in the shopping?”

I was a little ticked! I had this profound thought I was working on. For the life of me, I can’t think of what it is now! But I know it must have been really good. And I was a little irritated. I was thinking, “If she only knew how important this is, what I’m working on. If she only knew the significance, how much of a difference it’s going to make in the lives of thousands of people, would she be asking me to do such a menial task as come get the shopping? Why ask me at this moment? If she knew, she would be meeting my needs.”

That’s really what I thought. But being a mature Christian (at least I thought) I said, “Ok, I’ll be right down.” And I went downstairs and I, with a cheerful attitude – I was not grumpy – I said, “Honey, you went and got the shopping, I’ll bring them all in.” There was like 20 bags. “I’ll bring them all in. You just go and relax.” I brought them all in with a cheerful attitude.

Do you know how I felt after I did that? I felt noble! “Keith, you are some guy! You’re not just a good preacher and pastor, but you stop it all and you come down and help your wife bring in the shopping.” I was having the grandest time patting myself on the back. And I was feeling noble.

Do you know what another word for “noble” is? “Self-centered”. At that moment I was sinning.

Can you do the right thing with the wrong reason? Absolutely. Can you even do good things with a selfish motive? Absolutely.

We have a game we play at our house in the Mack family – who’s going to put the toilet paper on the toilet paper ring? The game is to see who can go the longest without putting it on. It’s like a natural aversion in our house. You can get out new rolls but you cannot put them on the little spindle. They go on the back of the toilet, on the floor, on the seat – anywhere. This last week, I checked every bathroom. They all needed new toilet paper rolls. So I put them all on. Do you want to know how I felt? I felt noble!

Folks, self-centeredness stains everything we do. Even when we’re doing good stuff, we’re going, “Boy! You’re good. You are being a servant right now. You are being unselfish.” You can’t even be humble without getting proud about it. It’s like the guy who said, “Get my new best seller Humility and How to Get It. It’s great!”

Every area of our lives is stained with self-centeredness. It is not my nature to think of you. Not one of you was staying up late this last week worrying about my problems. Not one of you. You weren’t worrying about my needs. You weren’t even thinking about my needs. You were thinking about your needs. It is human nature to think only of ourselves. It is unnatural for us to think of other people. It is my nature to be selfish and self centered and it’s yours too. And if you don’t think that, you’re kidding yourself. Because you think about you more than you think about anything else in the world. “How do I look? How do I talk? How do I appear? What is my image? Did I do the right thing? Am I cool? Do people like me? Am I rejected? Am I accepted?” You think about yourself all the time. Even people that you supposedly love you still think about yourself first. That’s why you have arguments with them.

The root of every problem is self-centeredness. Secretly we think we’re pretty good if our outward behavior conforms to accepted standards. We do the right thing and even put on a smiley face and appear like we like doing it. But that’s not enough. God looks at your heart.

Jesus told the Pharisees, “You guys look great on the outside. But inside, you’re a mess. Outwardly you’ve got this white washed look that looks so great but inside you’re like a tomb full of dead carcasses that are rotting. You stink.” He told the Pharisees, “You know what you guys do? You wash the bowl and the cup on the outside but the inside is still filthy.” What good would a dishwasher be that only washed the outside of the dish? Worthless. You may be able to clean up your behavior so you look respectable in society but inside there’s still a core of self-centeredness that stains everything you do and everything that I do.

Jesus said this in Matthew 15:18 “The things that come out of the mouth come from the heart and these make a man unclean.” It’s not outward behavior that makes you unclean; it’s the stuff that comes out of your heart. The Bible says that the heart of the problem is a problem of the heart. That’s your root problem. The problem isn’t your tongue. You may have a sarcastic tongue, a sharp tongue, an angry tongue, a filthy tongue, a defensive tongue, a boasting tongue. But all that is doing is revealing what’s in your heart. A judgmental tongue is evidence of a guilty heart. An overactive tongue is evidence of an unsettled heart. A boasting tongue is evidence of an insecure heart. A bitter tongue is evidence of a resentful heart. A biting tongue is evidence of an angry heart. It’s what’s inside – your heart is given away by what you say. Your mouth betrays what you’re really like.

You say, “When I said that I just said it in anger. That’s not really me. I don’t know why I said that. That’s not like me. I just said it in anger. That’s not me.”

Oh, yes it is! It is exactly you. Because in your anger the mask and the layers are pulled away and your real heart is revealed in your anger. And what’s really inside of you comes out when you get ticked. Have you ever noticed how quick your mood can change when somebody challenges your selfishness? When somebody says, “Drop what you’re doing and come bring in the shopping,” how quickly your mood can change? Because what’s in the heart is going to come out. It’s like a toothpaste tube, when you put pressure on it what is inside is going to come out.

The Bible is very specific about how selfishness expresses itself. In Galatians 5:19-21 it says this. It lists fifteen works of selfishness, fifteen works of the flesh: “The wrong things the sinful self does are clear: being sexually unfaithful [Did you know that infidelity is the ultimate expression of self-centeredness? “I don't care what happens to anybody else. I’m doing what pleases me.”] hating, making trouble, being jealous, being angry, being selfish, making people angry with each other, causing divisions among people, feeling envy, being drunk and doing other things like these” These are expressions of self-centeredness.

Self-centeredness is so, so destructive. It destroys homes. We see that with the rising divorce rate. How many homes have been destroyed by self-centeredness? It destroys little children. It destroys marriages. It destroys friendships that have gone on for 20, 30 years and then somebody does a self-centered act and bam! It’s over. Self-centeredness destroys churches. It destroys communities. It can even destroy nations. And we’re seeing the decline of this nation right now that is consumed with self-centeredness. What’s in it for me? I couldn’t care less what happens to anybody else. What’s in it for me?

The Bible warns us over and over about the danger of self-centeredness. Galatians 5:15-16 “If you keep on biting and devouring each other [what a word picture!] watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. So I say, live by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful or the selfish nature.”

If you don’t get anything else I want you to get this. This is the primary truth I want you to understand: The primary task of life is learning to be unselfish. That is it! The primary task of life is learning to be unselfish. Jesus is the ultimate example of unselfishness. He gave Himself sacrificially – unselfishly. God wants you to become like Christ. He wants you to learn to be unselfish. If you don’t learn that lesson in life – you may learn all kinds of other things in life, but if you don’t learn to be unselfish,You failed! You failed life! Because you were put here to learn to be unselfish. To learn to be like Christ.

The issue then becomes, how do I do it? How do I learn to be other-centered instead of self- centered? It’s certainly not my nature. It’s not natural for me to be that way. How can I be unselfish more and less selfish. How can I live in the Spirit so I won’t fulfill selfish desires? I have to face up to a couple of things and I have to focus on a couple of other things and I have to follow something if I’m going to learn to be other-centered. We’re gong to look at that this morning and take communion to illustrate it.

How can I become more other-centered?

Before I tell you what to do, let me tell you one way that doesn’t work,. One way that doesn’t work is it’s not just a matter of trying harder. We all know instinctively that doesn’t work (“I’m just going to try to love people more.”) Someone said “Can’t we all just get along together?” Come on’ people now! Smile on your brother. Everybody get together. Try to love one another right now! People all over the world join hands, get on the love train! Try a little kindness!

Great songs! Lousy theology! Doesn’t work. It doesn’t work. It takes more than human effort. Some of you would say, “I’ve tried to love my husband for twenty years. I’ve tried for 25 years to make this marriage work. We’re no closer now than we were 25 years ago. We’re still distant. It’s very rare that our souls ever bond together in this relationship. Two people living separate lives in the same home. I’ve tried,” you say. It takes more than trying. If the best I could give you was to stand up here and say, “Let’s all just try to be more loving,” next week we’d come back together and we’d be more frustrated, more discouraged, and more aloof from God. Because legalism makes a barrier between God and you. It doesn’t bring us to Him. Human effort is a part of what I’m going to talk about. But you need to understand that your problem is much deeper than trying harder.

Today, we’re going to have to do some serious spiritual surgery on you. Because trying is not enough. I have to face up to a couple of things. I have to focus on a couple of things and I have to follow something.

If I want to become more other centered …

1. I HAVE TO FACE UP TO MY SINFUL NATURE.

That’s the starting point – to fully and freely admit how selfish I really am most of the time. I’m so selfish; I don’t even realize it most of the time. I don’t even realize it when I’m being selfish. It’s so natural to me. But the Bible says I have to admit it. 1 John 1:8 says “If we claim to be without sin we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.” You’re not deceiving God, obviously. You’re not even deceiving other people. They know you’re not perfect. You’re just trying to fool yourself. You’re living in a self-imposed deception, if you don’t think that everything in your life is stained by self-centeredness because it is. Even the good things that you do, you’ve got a personal motivation behind them.

If you want better relationships, then you’re going to have to ask God for a deeper awareness of your own self-centeredness more than you’ve ever seen before. You need to pray and say, “God, help me this next week to see how self-centeredness stains every area of my life.” Everything that I do. Even the good things. Help me to be more aware, because I’m not aware of it. I’m just naturally thinking of me all the time. Not you. I don’t think about you. I’m thinking about me. So I need to get the antenna up and my spiritual sensitivity tuned and say, “God, help me to be aware how much my own self-centeredness enters into the things I do, the things I say, the things I feel, the way that I interact and react to other people in circumstances.” A good prayer to pray is Psalm 139:23-24 “Search me, O God and know my heart Try me and know my thoughts. See if there be any wicked way in me. Lead me in the way everlasting.” God, show me how much I think about me! Help me to be aware of that.

2. I HAVE TO FACE UP TO MY DISAPPOINTMENTS IN LIFE

To my major disappointments in life – the ways that I’ve been hurt. What does that have to do with self-centeredness? A lot. You can’t deal with self-centeredness without dealing with disappointments. Jesus never sugar coated anything. He always told the truth. He always told it like it is. He was always straight forward, cut to the chase, never beat around the bush. Jesus tells very clearly that we live in an imperfect world. In John 16:33 He says “In the world you will have trouble.” Not “might” – you will have trouble. Why? Because this is an imperfect world. Life is not fair. Nobody ever said it was. God never said it was fair. It is not heaven. If you want to read about this, read the book Ecclesiastes. Jesus said “In the world, you will have trouble.” He could have said, “In the world you will have disappointment.”

I want you today to be gut-level honest about the disappointments you’ve had in life. I want you to think about them for just a minute. This is the way to grow. You’ve got to face it in order to deal with it. Sometimes I think we’re afraid of disappointments. Life is not at all what you expected it to be. I don’t know of anything that sets us up for greater disappointment than a wedding. The unrealistic expectations and attitudes that a new bride or groom, a couple engaged, expect to have. Imagine what you go through the six months prior to a wedding and the set up and the amount of attention that is put into this one event – after this date everything is going to be ultimate bliss! And it’s not. And it’s a major letdown.

Some of you were profoundly disappointed in your husband or your wife. And you haven’t even wanted to face that. Some of you are profoundly disappointed in a child. She didn’t turn out the way you thought she was going to turn out. He didn’t turn out the way you thought he was going to be. They don’t look perfect. They don’t act perfect. They don’t have perfect intelligence. They’re not the straight A, top of the class, and captain of the football team that says “Give me glory because I’m the parent of this special child!” And you’re disappointed. You try to hide it but your kids know it because they can sense it.

Some of you are deeply disappointed in a parent. Or you may even be ashamed. “Why couldn’t I have parents like……………? They’re so sophisticated! They’re so fantastic. They’re so loving and smart and people like to go to their home. My mom and dad are hicks! They’re lazy, a bit thick. They’re drunks. They’re abusive. They’re mentally unstable. They’re poor.” And you’re disappointed in them.

You had some friends who disappointed you. I want you to face up today to those disappointments in your life, that you’ve kept back there hiding under the surface. Life is disappointing! It is not a perfect world and it isn’t always fair.

So why should I face up to my disappointments? A couple of reasons.

In the first place, when you face up to your disappointment, when you really, really face it, you discover the root of it. What is the root of disappointment? You’re expecting other people to meet needs that only God can meet. When you expect anybody to meet all your needs, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. When you expect them to always treat you kindly, always treat you unconditionally with love, always value what you’ve done, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. To always please you, to always meet your needs… then you have the nerve to think, “How dare you not meet my needs! I married you. I’m a part of your family. How dare you not meet my needs!”

What is that at its root? Self-centeredness. That is what is behind your disappointment. “I deserve better than this! I don’t deserve you; I deserve somebody better than you in my life. Because I’m better than you.” What is that? Self-centeredness. As long as you look to other people to meet your needs, you’re going to be disappointed. Disappointment is saying, “You let me down!” I’m not thinking about your needs. When my kids don’t measure up, I’m not thinking about how they hurt, how they’re offended, how they’re lonely, grieving. I’m thinking how they make me look. Self-centeredness.

The other reason why you need to face up to your disappointment is because, until you deal with your disappointment, you will always use your disappointments and your hurts as an excuse to justify your own selfishness. “I have a right to do this because they hurt me! The world owes it to me!” We see this all the time – “I have a right to go rob this building because I was born into depressed economic circumstances”

No you don’t. There’s no excuse for selfishness. No excuse for self-centeredness no matter how much you’ve been hurt. No. Never. It’s never justified. What we do is get a little scale in mind and say, “I know I did this, but you did this to me…” I will always make sure that your scale has more on it so I can justify my being selfish.

“If you knew my pain, you’d know why I’m this way.” I don’t know your pain. Nobody knows your pain except Jesus. But I do know selfishness is never excusable. “If you just understood just how much I hurt.” I am in no way minimizing your pain, belittling it, negating it at all. Some of you have had massive heartache, massive pain, major hurts, and life foundational shaking hurts, hurts that no human being should ever have to deal with. Heartbreaking, gut wrenching, life stabbing and jabbing hurts and you’ve had those hurts and I’m sorry. I really am. And God hurts with you. And Jesus sees your hurt. He understands your hurt. He knows the hurt. He can help you with the hurt and He can heal that hurt. But there is an issue that is far more damaging to your soul than anything anybody else can ever have done – even abuse. It’s something far more damaging to your soul because this one can keep you out of heaven. It’s self-centeredness. And Jesus does want to help you with your suffering, but more than that, He wants to help you with your sin.

When you are self-centered, you become just like the person who hurt you. Because when they hurt you, they were expressing self-centeredness. And just because they were self-centered, does not justify you doing the same. You’re killing yourself. Some of you say, “I’ve had this problem for years and years. Why am I not getting any better? Why am I not getting healed? Why am I not feeling better?” Because you are holding on to self-centered attitudes that keep you stuck in the pain. That’s why you have to let go. To let go. You have to forgive. You have to release them. You’ve got to face up to your own sinful nature and your own disappointments.

Then you have to shift the focus. Focus on two other things. When I say this first one you’re going to say, “Where is that coming from?” but if you want to be an unselfish, an unself-centered person, you must learn to…


3. FOCUS MORE ON THE HOPE OF HEAVEN

The hope of heaven? How in the world does that relate? I’ll tell you how it relates. Selfishness is always rooted in Here and Now thinking. It is the fruit of Here and Now thinking. When I think all that matters is here and now and never think about eternity, I tend to be more self-centered. When I forget that this is just the warm up act, that this is the nursery – I’m going to live 60, 70, 80 years on this side of eternity. But on that side of death, I will live for billions and billions of years. This is the warm up act before the big event. This is dress rehearsal. This is the preschool room before stepping up.

If I don’t realize that there’s more to life than here and now, I’m going to be as selfish as I can, to get all I can out of here and now. If I think the only pleasure I’m going to get in life is the pleasure right here, I’m going to go for it! I’m going to go for the gusto because you only go around once in life! I’m going to feel it all, have it all, enjoy it all! If there is no heaven and if there is no hell, then there are no consequences. And if there are no consequences, do whatever you want to do. Get drunk every night. Shoot up do speed. Snort coke. Go get a half-dozen bimbos and go to Bermuda. Mess around, be unfaithful as much as you want to. Use people all you want. Do them up, spit them out and go get somebody new. If there is no heaven, if there is no hell, make the most of it now. Live for yourself. Be selfish! Live for your own pleasure. Don’t care what anybody else thinks. Take advantage of people because it doesn’t matter, if there’s no heaven or no hell. If I think that the only applause I’m ever going to get is on this earth, the only approval, the only affirmation, the only recognition is right here, you can better believe that I’m going to scratch and claw my way to the top and I’m going to climb over everybody that I can so that my picture gets on that cover, my award goes on my shelf. Everybody bows down to me and say, “Oh, how great and wonderful you are.” I’m going to do everything I can to build up my status and my position and my fame. I want everybody to think, “Wow! You’re great.” Because if that’s all there is, I’m going to get as much of it as I can.

On the other hand, there is a heaven and there is a hell. And that changes the equation dramatically. Because all of a sudden, if I remember that God has built an eternal home for me in heaven as I trust Him in Christ, and that He has promised to reward every secret unselfish act that I do, whether anybody else sees it or not or I get credit for it or not, He’s going to see it and I’m living for an audience of one and I realize that one day I’m going to share with God in His glory in eternity for billions and billions of years, is that going to change the way I act on this earth? All of a sudden, I don’t care if I get the award or not. It will only last twenty years. I don’t care if other people like me or reject me. I don’t care if I’m not famous. I don’t care if I’m not first in the class. I don’t care because my self-worth is not dependent upon what the world thinks of me. It’s based on what God thinks of me. That’s what matters because that’s what’s going to matter for eternity.

People! Wake up! There’s more to life than just here and now. And when you live in the attitude that all that matters is right now – that I’m happy now, that I have pleasure now, that I have possessions now, that I have popularity now, that I have power now, that I have fame now – you are going to live as a selfish little clod.

But when I realize the hope of heaven, then it changes my priorities and my perspectives.

Have you ever wondered why life is so tough? It is. Life is tough! Why didn’t God make it easier? Because He puts in our heart a longing for a perfect place. Heaven. If everything were perfect here, who’d want to leave? This is not the perfect place. This is earth. And instinctively we know that there’s got to be something more than this. There’s got to be more than just get up in the morning, make money, retire and die. Surely! We were made for something more than this. We were made for heaven. That’s why there is a universal desire and longing in the heart of every human being whether they are Christian or not, there’s the universal desire around the world for immortality. Why? Because we were made for heaven.

“We look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever. For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down – when we de and leave these bodies – we will have a home in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God Himself and not by human hands.” The strongest antidote to self-centered living is to live in light of eternity.

When I understand that, it changes the way I live. In Matthew 25 at that judgment, it says “I was hungry and you fed Me, I was thirsty and you gave Me drink, I was naked and you clothed Me, I was sick and in prison and you visited Me.” Jesus is saying in that passage that the one thing we’ll be judged for at that judgment is how we treated other people. I focus on the hope of heaven.

The other thing I need to focus on to be less self-centered is…


4. FOCUS MORE ON GOD’S GRACE TO ME.

God’s grace to me. When you really do come face to face someday with your own sinfulness and how pervasive it is in your personality, to think of yourself first and when you come to face with your massive disappointments, you know what’s going to happen? You’re going to start getting discouraged. You start getting down and discouraged because you realize everything you do, even the good things are stained with self-motivation. You start to get depressed.

When you face your sin and when you face your disappointments, don’t let it depress you. Let it drive you to the magnificent grace of God. Because every time you sin, God forgives. That is unbelievable. The grace of God. Where sin abounds, grace more abounds. Bad news/Good news. Bad news: Everything you do is stained with sin. Good news: Everything you do is forgiven by God. Then I can relax! Rather than feeling down because I’m self-centered I need to say, “God! What a great God You are. Jesus, what a wonder You are that You would save somebody like me!” When you blow it, you call out to God like David did in Psalm 51 after he committed adultery “Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your unfailing love. [circle “unfailing”] According to Your great compassion blot out my transgressions.”

Bad news: I’m always blowing it. Good news: God is always forgiving me. Where sin increases, grace increases. How is that possible? Because of what Jesus did on the cross.

Colossians 2;14 “God canceled our debt [it was paid for by Jesus] which listed all the rules we failed to follow. He took away that record with its rules and nailed it to the cross.” This is such an important act that Jesus wants us to remember how much it costs to pay for all your sins. Today as we share this, I want you like never before to realize the depth of your own selfishness and the depth of God’s grace to cover it so you’re completely forgiven.

Jesus paid for the penalty of sin. He broke the power of sin in your life. What does that mean? He now puts His Spirit inside of you when you open your heart to Him and that gives you the power to do things you’ve never been able to do – for instance, stop being unselfish. There is no way you can be unselfish on your own power. But God will give you that power.

There’s a verse in the Bible. 1 Corinthians 10:13 “ Every time you are tempted, God will promise to make a way out. There’s no temptation taken you but such that is common to man but God is faithful who will, with the temptation, make a way of escape that you may be able to bear it.”

Every time this next week you’re in a conversation and you’re tempted to be self-centered, to boast about yourself, defend yourself, to put down the other person, to go after your needs instead of theirs, it’s a test, a temptation. The question is, you have at that moment a choice to make, a split second choice in your mind before you say those words but it’s going to effect eternity. The question is, “Am I going to say or think or do what I naturally feel is right to do selfishly or am I going to listen to the Holy Spirit who is whispering in my ear this moment the right thing t do?” That’s why the last step is…


5. FOLLOW THE SPIRIT’S LEADING.

Remember the verse “Live by the Spirit and you won’t gratify the desires of selfish, sinful nature.” It doesn’t say you won’t have those desires. You’ll have them the rest of your life. That desire to do the thing for you. It doesn’t say you won’t be tempted. It just says you won’t fulfill them, you won’t gratify them. Now you have the power to say no to selfishness. My inclination is so ingrained to think of myself, it takes supernatural power to break its grip.

“We get our new Life from the Spirit, so we should follow the Spirit. We must not be proud or make trouble with each other or be jealous.” What’s the result for when I follow the Spirit in my life? The Spirit produces these things, the nine fruit of the Spirit: love and joy, peace and patience, kindness and goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Do you think your relationships would be any different if you had those in them? Compare that to the list of the works of the flesh which says when I’m living selfishly, I’m hating, making trouble, being jealous, getting angry, getting selfish, making people angry with each other, causing division, feeling envy. Two questions: Which of those two lists describe your relationships most of the time? The fruit of the Spirit or the work of the flesh? Question number two: Which one do you want to represent your life? The fruit of the Spirit or the work of selfishness?

You can have the fruit of the Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience… you can build relationships of those things. But there’s only one little problem. You need a new heart. It’s not going to be, “I’m just going to try harder.” You need a new heart. Because out of the heart comes all those things. The good news is that God specializes in heart transplants.

Prayer:

You want a new heart? You want to be different? Stop being so self centered? You want to be more than just a selfish little clod living for yourself? Pray this prayer: “Dear Jesus Christ, I need a new heart. I need You to replace my selfish heart with Your loving unselfish heart. I need You in my life. Today, I have realized how self-centeredness stains every area of my life. I’m trying to face up to my disappointments. I’m going to stop using them for making excuses for my own behavior, the hurts that I’ve had, because I want to get well. I want to focus more on the hope of heaven that I realize there’s more than just here and now. I want to focus on Your grace to me. And I want of follow Your Spirit’s leading. Give me that new heart. In Your name I pray. Amen.”