THE KEY TO RESTORING A RELATIONSHIP

Building Bridges - Part 4
1 Peter 5:5
Relationships are like bridges in that they have to be built intentionally. They carry a lot of weight. Relationships are like bridges in that they’re often weakened by stress. Relationships are like bridges in that they have to be reinforced. Sometimes, like bridges, relationships collapse. They break down.

A relationship can break down from neglect. A relationship can break down from conflict. A relationship can break down from misunderstanding. Many different reasons. The world is literally littered with broken relationships. All around us we see broken relationships. Between husbands and wives, between ex-husbands and ex-wives, between parents and children, between employers and employees, between family members, between neighbours. On a broader level, we have broken relationships between races, between nations, between different social groups. What is the solution to this? Is there a way to repair the breach, to rebuild the bridge, to restore the relationship?

Today I want us to look at that. As we conclude this series, we’re going to look at the key to restoring a relationship.

I want to start with the bad news. The bad news is you are going to have some relational breakdowns in your life. We live in a fallen world. You blow it. You sin. Other people sin. We all make mistakes. We hurt each other intentionally and unintentionally. Relationships do break down. Some of you are feeling the pain of them right now. Even as we begin to talk about this subject, you thought about that person in your mind. There’s a strain between you and that person. Maybe there’s been a total breakdown. Maybe you’re not even on talking terms any more. But the bridge that was once there – that relational bridge – has collapsed. Something hurtful was said or hurtful was done. Maybe there was a misunderstanding. But for one reason or another it has collapsed.

The good news is almost any relationship can be repaired with one simple key. This is a quality we don’t talk about much. We don’t hear about it much in our society. It certainly isn’t covered much on television. It’s rarely ever demonstrated today. It is a key that you didn’t learn in school, university or college. We don’t talk about it much.

Some of you may be thinking, “The key to great relationships… that’s got to be forgiveness.” Yes, forgiveness is important. It’s absolutely essential to rebuilding relationships but that’s not the deepest issue. “It’s got to be honesty. Honesty has to be the key because you have to tell the truth to each other.” That’s true. And you can’t have a strong relationship unless you’re both honest and straightforward and have gut-level communication. But there’s something deeper than honesty. “Maybe it’s sensitivity. Certainly we have to be sensitive to each other’s needs if we’re going to have a good relationship.” Yes, we do. But all of these qualities flow out of a much deeper quality. And as I said, you didn’t learn this one in school. It’s often misunderstood, mis-defined. Today it’s often ridiculed as a weakness.

But the secret to great relationships, the Bible tells us, is humility. That’s the key. Humility. 1 Peter 5:5 “Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another.” You’re not dressed for success until you’re dressed up with humility. You’re not dressed for successful relationships until you’ve learned the quality of humility.

The Bible is very clear about what God thinks about pride and humility. In fact, there are over 150 verses in the Bible that deal with this issue. God, in a nutshell, says this. God detests pride. He absolutely hates it. He despises it. And He loves when we’re humble. He loves it when His children express humility and act in humility.

Proverbs 6:17 tells us that there are seven things that God hates. The number one thing on the list is a proud look. The Bible says, “Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall.” Proverbs 13:10 says, “Pride leads to arguments.” Proverbs 11:2 says, “Pride leads to shame and disgrace.” 1 Samuel 22:28 says, “God brings down the proud.” Matthew 23:12 says “Whoever exalts himself will be humbled.” Over and over again, God says in scriptures, “I hate pride.”

On the other hand, the Bible is full, literally full of promises and blessing if we’re humble. The Bible tells us that God saves the humble, that God supports the humble. The Bible says in Proverbs 25 “God guides the humble and teaches them His ways.” The Bible tells us that God gives wisdom to the humble, that God rescues the humble. Matthew 23:12 says, “God exalts the humble.” Proverbs 15:33 “God honours the humble.”

All through scripture. We hear this over and over. This would be a fascinating study to do on your own. Proverbs 22:4 “Humility and the fear of the Lord bring wealth, honour, and life.” The very three things that most people want in life – wealth, honour and life – the Bible says are brought through humility. James 4:10 says “Humble yourselves before the Lord and He will lift you up.” The Bible goes on and on. God makes it real clear that He loves this quality and He promises to bless our lives when we build humility into our hearts.

There’s one little problem. Humility is not a quality that you can develop by seeking it. The more you pursue humility, the more it’s going to elude you. The more you focus on it, the less likely you’re going to have it. Have you ever tried to make yourself humble? It’s kind of awkward if you’ve ever tried. “I’m going to walk into this room and I’m going to be humble!” It’s kind of like what we talked about a couple of weeks ago – you feel noble! You’re proud of your humility.

Humility is the one quality that disappears the moment you think you’ve got it. So those of you who don’t think you need this message, you really need it! Far more than you realize.

What is humility anyway? Humility is often misunderstood. Humility is not putting yourself down all the time – “I’m no good. I’m rubbish. I’m lucky to be breathing air that other people more worthy could be breathing! I’m worthless. I’m just a worm!” Jesus Christ did not die for worms. He died for people. The cross shows that you are infinitely valuable. This is how much you matter to God. God, with arms outstretched, says I matter to him this much.

The cross shows that you are infinitely valuable but you are also deeply flawed. Humility is keeping those two things in balance. Humility is having a realistic evaluation of yourself. It is not denying your strengths but it’s being honest about your weaknesses. Humility is not denying the gifts that God has given you, saying “I can’t do anything good!” That’s false humility. Putting yourself down all the time is false humility and it can even be a form of pride because you’re begging for compliments by doing that.

Humility, essentially, is loving God and loving other people, thinking about God and thinking about other people more than myself. When I’m thinking about God, when I’m thinking about others instead of myself, I am being humble. In essence, humility is living out the Great Commandment. This is a commandment we’ve talked about many times in this series. There is a horizontal and a vertical dimension of love. “Love God with all your heart and love your neighbour as yourself.” Love God – that’s the vertical. Love your neighbour as yourself – that’s the horizontal. When you get those two right, when you are so focused on loving God and so focused on loving other people that you forget about yourself – bingo! You’re in the humility zone.

Satan does not care whether you become preoccupied with your pride or become preoccupied with your humility, as long as you become preoccupied with yourself. He doesn’t care if you’re hung up on an ego trip or you’re hung up on thinking how humble you are, as long as you are not focusing on God and other people. As long as you keep the focus on you, you’re not being humble. So the moment you become self aware of what you’re doing, you are not being humble. Humility looses itself in love for God and love for other people. Humble people don’t think less of themselves. They just don’t think of themselves at all. Because they’re thinking about others and how to serve them and thinking about God and how to serve Him.

Today, what I want to do is take this quality of humility and I want to apply it in a very personal and practical area of your life and that is this issue of restoring relationships. I’m going to give you six steps. You can’t become humble by saying, “I’m going to be humble.” But you’ve got to do a kind of end run by doing other things and when you do these other things and lose yourself in God and others in helping and serving and loving, it just comes automatically.

As I give you these six steps, I’d like for you to think of someone you need to restore a relationship with. Maybe the strain has been there and you’re not even talking any more. These are the things you can do to rebuild that relationship. It takes two, but you can do your part. As I give you these steps, I want to warn you. Every one of them takes humility in increasing degrees. In fact, they get harder as we go up the steps. The first step I share with you is very easy, the second is a little bit harder, the third is a little bit harder than that. By the time we get to step six you’re going to be crying, “mercy!” Because we’re going to do some serious work on your character today. We’re going to take you in deeper and deeper levels of humility than you’ve ever probably known so that God can bless you in ways that have never probably known.

One of the reasons why so many relationships fall apart is because, frankly, most people are unwilling to do the serious difficult work that humility requires. That’s why the first step is…

1. ASK FOR GOD’S HELP.

In restoring your relationship, you must first ask for God’s help. This is the easiest step because many of you probably ask for God’s help all the time. But it still does require a measure of humility because you must admit that you need help. That is almost un-Scottish. In our culture we’re taught self-reliance, self-containment, self-centeredness, we don’t depend on anybody else, don’t be a weakling and need others. It’s this independent Scottish spirit and men in particular, we have a difficult time. This macho thing of we don’t want to ask for help, we’re certainly not going to stop and ask for directions because that’s not the manly thing to do. We’re supposed to be able to figure it out all on our own. And it does take a measure of humility to come and say, “God, I need Your help.” This is the starting point. “God, I humbly ask for strength to rebuild this relationship.”

James 4:6 says this “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” If God opposes the proud, I don’t want to be on the opposite side than God. Do you? I don’t think so! That’s not a good side to be on. The Bible says that whenever I’m prideful I’m on the opposite side of God. “God opposes the proud but He gives grace to the humble.”

What is grace? Grace is the power to change. Grace is the power to heal a relationship. Grace is the power to get forgiveness and to offer forgiveness. Grace is the power to restore what you thought was dead. The key to unlock the power of God in your life is right there – humility. God gives grace to the humble. As long as you’re full of pride, as long as you’re self-centered, as long as you think you can figure it out on your own, God says, “Be My guest! Go ahead!” But when I humble myself and say, “God, I need Your help.” Then the power is released.

Let me say, if you’re serious about restoring a relationship, you’re going to need all the help you can get. Because this is not easy. It is not easy to restore a relationship. Humility is not easy. If it were easy we’d all be humble. It’s far easier to be defensive. It’s far easier to be prideful. Self centered. Think about me and not think about you. It’s not natural for me to think that way. It is difficult and that’s why I start by asking for God’s help.

2. AFFIRM THEIR VALUE

The person you’re trying to restore the relationship with, affirm their value. You go to the person and you express to them the reasons why you believe the relationship is worth saving. Why you believe they are important, why the relationship matters, why you’re willing to put in the effort, the energy, the time to try to make this thing right. You affirm their value.

Romans 12:10 says, “Have a profound respect for each other.” We don’t follow that verse and that’s why we have conflict. I’d have to say that most of the arguments that Donna and I have had together, many of them occurred that she did not feel that I was giving her the proper respect, either I wasn’t listening to her, or I wasn’t valuing what she said or I wasn’t paying attention to her time schedule like a meal that she had prepared on time and it was getting cold or thinking of myself instead of her and not treating her with respect. When we don’t treat people with respect, it always causes conflict. When you aren’t treated with respect, it causes you to get angry. So the starting point in restoring a relationship after you’ve asked God for help is go and show some respect to the person by simply saying “I value you. You matter to me. You are important. I want to work on this relationship although it will be painful.”

Philippians 2:3 “Do not let selfishness or pride be your guide. Instead be humble and give more honour to others than to yourself.” How do you do that? How do you give more honour to others than you give to yourself? Let me suggest two ways:

One is, listen to them. When you listen to a person, you are showing them honour. You are showing them respect. You are affirming their value by listening. When I put the paper down and look my wife in the face and look in her eyes and I listen to what she has to day, what that is saying is, "You matter to me. You are important. You are valuable.” I am giving a gift of honour when I listen to her. Do you want to honour your children, affirm their value? Get down on their knees. Look them in the eye sometimes and just listen to them. Eye to eye contact. That’s one of the greatest gifts you can give somebody. We all want to be listened to. You can affirm their value by listening to them.

Second, by validating their feelings. You show affirmation of their value by validating their feelings. I’m not saying you agree with their feelings. I’m not saying their feelings are legitimate or that they don’t need to be changed. But that’s not the time or place to do that. Feelings are simply feelings. They’re neither good nor bad. There may be an idea behind that which is causing the feeling that is bad and that needs to be changed and needs to be dealt with. But when people come to you to express their feelings, they don’t need you to immediately “fix it”. They don’t need you to immediately try to change it. They just want it validated. Because when you feel it, you feel it. Somebody else may not, but you do. It’s not right or wrong, it’s just you.

Those of us who are fixers, we get in a hurry. When somebody comes to you saying, “I’m feeling depressed,” you say, “You shouldn’t feel depressed.” That’s real helpful!!! Or, “This makes me afraid,” – “You shouldn’t be afraid!” That’s helpful too. “I’m worried,” – “Don’t be worried.” Or “I’m angry,” – “You shouldn’t be angry!” or “”Why in the world are you angry at something like that?” You’re invalidating their feelings when you do that. You’re not affirming their value, you’re decreasing their value, depreciating their value. So what you need to do is say “I understand how you’re feeling,” or “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I hurt with you.” But you don’t invalidate it right up front. You affirm their feelings and you listen to them. Those are two ways to show humility by affirming their value.

Once you’ve taken those two steps… and those are pretty much the easy ones… we now start turning up the heat a little bit.

3. ACKNOWLEDGE MY RESPONSIBILITY AND MY SIN.

This takes a little bit more courage. Galatians 6:5 says, “Each person must be responsible for himself.” You cannot build a strong, healthy relationship without accepting responsibility for your part of it. A relationship takes two people. It’s never just one person’s problem. If you have a relationship, it’s our problem. It’s not your problem, it’s our problem. As long as you are fixing the blame, you cannot fix the relationship. As long as you are concerned about blaming and assigning guilt, your relationship is going to go nowhere. But when you get serious about accepting your responsibility for making the relationship work, your responsibility for part of the breakdown because with every action there is always a response, there is always a reaction in some way so you may have reacted wrongly in the situation that caused the breakdown. You accept responsibility. If you want God’s blessing on your relationship, you have to stop the blame game. Stop blaming other people and acknowledge your responsibility.

But more than that, you have to acknowledge your sin. Romans 3:23 “For [most people? All of those other people?] For all [circle “all”] have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Question: Does that mean everybody on your row right now? This place is a haven of sin! We are in a den of sinners right now. When somebody asks you on Monday morning, “What did you do over the weekend?” tell them, “I went and hung out with a bunch of sinners!” Why? Because this is a sinner hangout and I am chief! The truth is, the church is not a hotel for people who are perfect, it’s a hospital for sinners. Everybody has blown it. But the rest of the world hasn’t realized it or own up to it because of their own pride. At least you’re making an attempt to say, “I want to grow. I want to develop. I want to be more than I am. I want to deal with some of the weaknesses and faults in my life.” Congratulations! Welcome to the place for growing. You are hanging out with very vile people right now. You should watch your reputation.

We don’t like to admit our own pride. C. S. Lewis says this, “There is one vice of which no one in the world is free, which everyone in the world loathes when he sees it in someone else, and of which hardly anybody except Christians ever imagine that they’re guilty of it. There is no fault which makes a man more unpopular and there is no fault that we are more unconscious of in ourselves. The more we have it in ourselves, the more we dislike it in others. The vice I’m talking of is pride. Pride leads to every other vice. It is the complete anti-God state of mind. ‘I am god. I’m in charge. I know what’s best for me.’ I’m not thinking of God. I’m not thinking of other people. It is the anti-God state of mind. Each person’s pride is in competition with everyone else’s pride. It is because I wanted to be the big noise at the party, I’m so annoyed at someone else who was the big noise.”

Isn’t that true?

We talk and laugh and make jokes about our pridefulness but the truth is when I think about the things my pride has done, I am ashamed of the way I’ve hurt other people simply out of my own stubborn pride. Those times when I refused to say I was sorry simply out of pride. Those times when I stubbornly held on to an opinion I knew was wrong, simply out of pride. Those times when I competed for the significance with others. Those times when I belittled or criticized other people thinking it would build me up. Those times when I’ve taken the credit when it should have been shared or given somewhere else. I’m not proud of those things. I’m ashamed of them.

You will never really start growing in your life until you come to face the fact that you are essentially a selfish person that you do not naturally think of other people first. You naturally think of yourself first. And the whole goal of life is learning to be unselfish. From the moment you’re born you’re going, “I!!!! Feed me! change me! Clothe me! Pamper me! Burp me!” And everything else. But as you mature, supposedly, you’re going to get a little less self centered and maturity and humility is thinking of God and others first. That’s the character issue.

It takes humility to take this step. To acknowledge my sinfulness, my responsibility in the relationship, my part of the breakdown and to apologize. But this is the step that breaks the gridlock, that gets the relationship moving again. This is the one that blows up the logjam and lets the river start flowing again. If you can’t get past this one, saying those three important words “I was wrong”, “I am sorry”, “Please forgive me”, if your throat chokes on those words, you will never have mature relationships. You will be stuck in a selfish walled in world where you are the Supreme Being and you’re miserable.

There was a movie that came out years ago, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” What a bunch of baloney! Love says you’re sorry. Love says, “I was wrong.” Love says, “Please forgive me!” The unloving, egotist says, “I don't have to say I’m sorry.” If you can get past this one you’re well on your way to healthy relationships, well on your way to growing to maturity and God’s blessings in your life.

Step four, and God turns the heat up a little bit more.

4. ALLOW THEM (the people you’re trying to build a relationship with) TO BE HUMAN.

We don’t want to let other people be human. We want to hold them to a standard that we, even ourselves can’t meet. We expect more of them that we would even of ourselves. Do you know anybody in this world who is faultless? Do you know anybody in this world who is without sin? Do you know anybody who is perfect? Do you know anybody who has no weaknesses? No, you don’t.

Then why are we so tough on our kids when they show the slightest weakness or fault? Why are you so tough on your husband/wife/that person you care about? Why do you expect perfection of them when nobody in the world is perfect including you? Why don’t you cut them some slack? Why don’t you back off? Why don’t you be forgiving? Why don’t you allow them to be human instead of expecting superhuman perfection?

Humility is recognizing that no one is perfect. Colossians 3:13 “You must make allowances for each other’s faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you so you must forgive others.” Notice the motivation: You have been forgiven, you have been shown grace, you better be gracious to other people. Cut them some slack. Allow them to be human.

I don’t know any of these six steps that would do more to reduce the friction in your relationships than to stop expecting perfection. Stop demanding that they be perfect. They aren’t going to be perfect. If you will do this, the friction will be reduced, your joy will be increased. You’ll just get along better with people. You’ll stop being disappointed all the time. Because you realize, as the Bible says, “He knows our frame; it is dust.” We’re all imperfect.

When pride rears its ugly head in my life and somebody challenges my way of doing things, my reputation, my thought, my intelligence or whatever, then I get all prickly. When pride is not rearing its ugly head, it doesn’t bother me so much. If you are easily offended by other people, if you get your feelings hurt frequently, you have a pride problem. You need to admit it. You have a pride problem. That’s why you get your feelings hurt so quickly, so easily. You need to let God deal with it because it’s keeping you from being happy.

Ephesians 4:2 “Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other making allowances for each other’s faults because of your love.” 1 Corinthians 13:7 (New Jerusalem Bible) “Love is always ready to make allowances.” That’s the loving thing. It’s unloving to hold people to a standard that even you can’t keep.

We come to step five and God turns up the heat a little bit more and requires a little bit more humility to do this.

5. ADJUST TO THEIR NEEDS.

If you want to rebuild a relationship, you adjust to their needs. This takes humility to a level deeper than most of us go to. It’s one thing to understand someone else’s needs, it’s another thing to recognize their differences. It’s another thing to affirm their needs and say they’re legitimate. But it takes massive amount of humility to adjust to their needs. Most of the time I don’t want to adjust to your needs, I want you to adjust to my needs. We want everybody to adjust to use. The Bible says in Philippians 2:4 “Look out for one another’s interest not just your own.” The truth is, we always want everybody to adjust to us. But the Bible says do the opposite. In fact the Bible is very blunt. Romans 15:2 “We should please others. If we do what helps them we will build them up in the Lord.” This truth is all through the New Testament. The Bible tells us in Galatians 5:13 “Don’t use your freedom just to do whatever you want to do, what pleases you, but rather serve one another in love.” That is adjusting to other people’s needs.

These are the steps if you want to restore your relationship. These are the steps if you want to rebuild a relationship or you just want to help the relationship. Ask for God’s help. Affirm their value. Acknowledge my responsibility. Allow them to be human. Adjust to their needs.

Then we come to the sixth step and this is the clincher. This is the one that stops us dead cold. This is the ultimate example of love, the ultimate example of humility. It’s being like Jesus. I’m going to tell you before I give it to you that you can’t do this one on your own. You need God’s power. And you will not do it if you look at life from a humanistic perspective. But if you look at it from God’s perspective, and the promises to be blessed if you do this, then you will be able to do it.

6 ABANDON MY OWN RIGHTS.

This is so counter culture, it’s almost laughable to even talk about it in Britain. In Britain, we stand up for our rights. We don’t care much for our responsibilities, but we have rights! And from the moment you were born you were taught, if you don’t stand up for your rights nobody else will. We are very independent lot. And we’re very rights conscious. “I have my rights! I’m going to do what’s best for me! I‘ve got to think of me because nobody else will think of me and therefore I have to stand up for my rights!”

The Bible is very clear than on a society level, we are to fight for the rights of other people. We are to not tolerate injustice, stand up, speak out for equal rights for all people, to give justice to all people. As a society we are to be concerned about the rights of other people. But on a personal level, God has a whole different ethic. God says on a personal level, “Yield your rights to Me. Give them up to Me.”

I want to explain to you right up front what happens when you become a follower of Christ. We don’t do any bait and switch around here. We tell you right up front what being a Christian is. When you become a follower of Christ, you participate in an exchange. Jesus Christ gave His life for you on the cross so you could have your sins in the past forgiven, a purpose for living and a home in heaven. A pretty good deal. Now when you become a follower of Christ, you give your life to Him in return. You commit your life completely to Christ. You say, “God, I’m going Your way, not my way. That means I give You the good, the bad, the ugly in my life, the past, the present and the future. I give You my hopes, my desires, my dreams and my ambitions. I give You my failures, my flaws, my sins, my defects, my weaknesses. I give You all my goals. I give You all of my plans.” When you become a Christian, you give up your rights to your possessions. They become God’s possessions. They’re His anyway. You only get to use them for 60, 70 years. You don’t really own anything. You just get to use them while you’re here on earth then it goes to somebody else. But it’s acknowledging what God already knows anyway. It’s His. God owns it all. So they’re not my possessions. They’re God’s. They’re not my plans. I want God’s plans for my life. I don’t want just to go after my pleasure. I want God’s pleasure for my life. I’m not worried about my reputation any more. It’s God’s reputation I care about. I’m a servant of God. What do servants care about their reputation? They only care about their master’s reputation.

This has profound implications in your life. Many people never get to this level of maturity realizing that everything belongs to God. You just get to use it for a while. That means it’s not my car that I drive and in the parking lot. It’s now God’s car. So if somebody bumps into it and dents the fender God’s got a problem. Because it’s God’s car. That’s a reason for action but it’s not a reason for anger because it’s not my car. If I spill something on my suit, I don’t get angry because it’s not my suit. It’s God’s suit. When somebody challenges my reputation, if I’m thinking right it’s not my reputation, it’s God’s reputation I need to worry about. So what I need to do is give ownership of everything to God. I yield my rights to Him.

Anytime you get angry, that is warning light to you that you’re taking back your rights. You’ve taken them back. You say, “But I deserve this!” instead of giving it to God. In our hearts some of our rights are legitimate and some of them, frankly, are ludicrous. Imaginary. Like, “I have a right to a problem-free life!” So if things don’t turn out the way I want them and I have difficulties or my kids get sick, I get mad at God.

Some of you have got mad at God because you think; “I have a right for my loved ones to live as long as I ‘m alive.” And they didn’t. And somebody you loved died and you got mad at god.

We often think we have a right to presume on the will of God. What we do is want something really bad and we pray for it. And because we pray for it, we assume that it is God’s will. Then when it doesn’t come or it is delayed, we get mad at God. We’re presuming on the will of God. We do this all the time.

Relationally, rights will get you into all kinds of trouble. I actually had a guy tell me one time, “I have a right to a beautiful wife.” That was his excuse for leaving his older wife to marry some younger bimbo. I know of a woman who said, “I have a right to a husband who can finance the things I need in my life.” So she divorced a guy because he wasn’t making enough money. “I have a right to be pretty but I’m not pretty, so I’m mad at God… I have a right to be athletic but I’m not athletic so I’m mad at God... I have a right to be smart and get straight A’s in school but I don't get them so I’m mad at God.” What are you doing? You’re making up rights. And that always gets you into trouble.

Here’s your project for this week. Make a list of all the rights that are causing the anger in your life. Then give them back to God. I have a right to be appreciated but I’m not appreciated so I’m angry. I have a right to be heard and understood but I’m not heard and understood so I’m angry. I have a right to be right and I’m going to show and prove that I’m right even if it destroys the relationship. No, you don’t have that right. The relationship is more important than your right to be right. It is. “I have a right to get revenge! He hurt me so I’m going to hurt him back.” No, you don’t have that right. You’re making up that right. You don’t have a right to get even. Not if you’re a follower of Christ. You give your rights back to God. The reason you’re mad at God and you’re mad at other people is you’re holding back on things that really belong to god.

Here’s the amazing thing. When you give your rights to God, He becomes the defender and the fulfiller of those rights. Who can do a better job of defending you, you or God? Who can do a better job of fulfilling your needs, you or God?

This issue is so fundamental, it is the cause of most marital breakdown. 1 Corinthians 7:4 “Marriage is not a place to stand up for your rights. Marriage is a decision to serve the other.” I love that in the Message paraphrase. If you got married to have all your needs met, you got married for the wrong reason. You need to confess it and ask for forgiveness. Marriage is a decision to serve somebody, to put their needs out there ahead of your own. Marriage is not a 50-50 proposition. That’s negotiation. Marriage is not 100%-100%. It’s 150%-150% —who can outdo the other in honouring, in serving. That’s the way God means for it to be.

Of course, the ultimate example of this is our Lord Jesus Christ. The supreme model of yielding rights is Jesus. “Your attitude should be the same as Christ Jesus had. Though He was God, He did not demand and cling to His rights as God. [I have my rights!] Instead of this of His own free will, He gave up all He had and took the nature of a servant.” Billions of people will celebrate Easter Sunday, that God came to earth. Do you think that was humbling for God to come down and be in human form? Take on human weakness? When Jesus Christ rose into town on Palm Sunday, He didn’t come into Jerusalem on a white stallion or in a great regal royal chariot like a Caesar or the Emperor would come in. He came in riding on a lowly donkey, a beast of burden, the ultimate example of humility. Jesus Christ is God. He created everything. He has a right to be worshipped. He has a right to be praised. He has a right to be adored, a right to be loved, a right to be honoured. Yet He gave up His rights and allowed Himself to be humiliated, to be mocked, to be spit on, to be beaten forty times with a whip, a crown of thorns put down on His head, to have His arms stretched out an a cross and nailed and have His feet nailed and to hang there in shame, a suffering brutal death. He gave up His right when He allowed the crowd to choose Barabbas, a common criminal over Himself. Why would anybody do that? Love. He loved you that much. So He gave up His position in heaven to come to earth, to die for you, to say, “This is how much you matter. This is how much I care for you. This is how much I have a plan for your life. I’m willing to give it all up and humble Myself and take even the death on a cross.” – a cruel death, which none of you would do, none of us. But He did it out of love. He is our model. He is our example.

These are the six levels of humility. How do you rate yourself? How deep does your humility go? Are you stuck on Level One or Two or Three? What step are you stalled at? Question: What’s your next step in growing to maturity?

Let me be honest with you, to take these steps to restore relationship you’re going to need two things. You’re going to need endurance and you’re going to need encouragement. You didn’t get into your relational mess overnight. You’re not going to get out of it overnight. It isn’t solved – bam! – just like that. There’s going to be some tough work ahead, some honesty, some tears, some pain, some restoration, some confession, some forgiveness, some working through issues, some learning and growing and maturing. It’s tough to build strong, healthy relationships. That’s why there are so few really good relationships in the world. So you’re going to need encouragement. You’re going to need endurance to build the good relationships in your life. Where in the world do you get that?

“May God, who gives endurance and encouragement, allow you to live in harmony with each other by following the example of Jesus Christ who gave up His rights.” The starting point is to get Jesus Christ in your life, build a relationship with Him. The truth is, some of you have been blaming God for your pain, “I expected this but this is what happened,” and you’re mad at God. And before you can resolve your conflict with other people, you’ve got to resolve your conflict with God.

The Bible says that if you don’t have Christ in your life and you’re not living for Him, you’re at war with God. God resists the proud. He opposes the proud. You’re in opposition to God if you’re saying, “I’m going to live my life without God in my life.” You need to make peace with god today so you can get the peace of God in your heart so you can have the peace of Christ in your mind so you can have peace with other people all around you. Remember the angels came at Christmas and said, ”Peace on earth good will toward men.” It starts with the vertical, then the horizontal comes into focus. You need to invite Christ into your life, the Prince of peace to replace the anger in your heart with His peace so you can work on the rebuilding process. That’s the steps.

Let me give you a guaranteed formula for marital bliss. Triple your money back guarantee!! Let both parties in the relationship put Jesus Christ first in their life every single day, every moment of the day. If Jesus is in me and Jesus is in you, Jesus isn’t going to fight with Jesus.

Prayer:

Will you say yes to Jesus Christ today? Will you take these steps of humility and maturity and ask God to take you deeper in His love than you’ve ever gone before? Pray this prayer in your mind and God will hear you. “Father, I have to admit that I’m often a prideful person. Today I acknowledge that my pride has often created conflict and hurt feelings and breaks in my relationships. So today, I humbly ask for Your help. Jesus Christ, I want to take these steps of humility but I can’t do it on my own.